Breast Cancer I am 1 in 8. Blinded by the diagnosis, and still coming to terms with accepting this as my fate.
I could ask, “Why me?”, and go to a sad, dark place quite easily. But that is a question- that will never be answered. And staying there would rob me of my power- Indefinitely.
Instead- I choose positivity. I choose hope. I choose faith. I choose humor. I choose to find the things that make me feel happy, rather than focus only on all the difficulty. I choose gratitude. And I choose my attitude. Daily. And intentionally.
Breast Cancer treatment- is a BIG mountain to climb. A giant obstacle- directly in front of me. And I am facing it head on, and riding the waves of change, and the side effects of every treatment with as much grace as I can, to the best of my ability. Overcoming this- And sharing my story and my journey along the way- is part of my life destiny. And I believe that wholeheartedly.
Breast Cancer- Why me? I will never know the reason. And I will never ask. This is my life test, and I’ve been called to task. I am 1 in 8. And I will overcome. I will do my best to keep my chin up through this adversity, and my battle WILL be won.
Breast Cancer affects so many. It’s shocking when you’re in the thick of it. Giant hugs and honor to all who have been impacted – by this enormity. I stand among the countless women who have been down this road before me. And I look forward to standing with them at the finish line, as a survivor with a story.
This was written the day my chemo port was placed, and the night before my very first chemo treatment. I was terrified of all of the unknowns. I leaned into God at every scary turn and it was everything I needed and more – to get me through it. May this poem find those who need it and offer up all of the same to you in your time of need or for someone you love! Love, light and giant hugs to all going through their own life battles right now. May we become beacons of light in the eye of the storm we’re in, to give hope to all those who follow a similar life journey! 💗💗💗
Laughter is the best medicine – so don’t forget to laugh as often as possible to get those endorphins coming your way. Stay strong!
God’s grace- is a glorious place. A prayerful, and meditative state- filled with peace, unconditional love, and safe keeping. Releasing, And unleashing me from all that burdens my weary, and tethered mind- to fearful, and unkind thoughts- that slowly rise up to the tip top. Becoming louder And more prominent, and dominant than my faith. I pause in reflection- And feel God beckon me back- to trust in Him completely. To not fear this road I see in front of me. But to believe in Him, And to seek the beauty, amongst the rubble He has lovingly bestowed upon me. I must always retrace my steps- back to the quiet, prayerful space- when I feel lost- And He will come to greet me, and I must lean in with everything I am- to learn every lesson He is teaching me. I feel renewed by the power of faith He has restored within me. He refuses to give up on me. God’s grace is everything. Even through all of these life trials, and tribulations- I am humbled and blessed by the outpouring of God’s greatest kindnesses, and I am wholeheartedly, and profoundly gracious. I will do my very best to remain steadfast, and courageous- in the face of- my greatest challenges. God’s grace- Is the most glorious, and peaceful place. Where my tears of gratitude stream freely. Where my heart is overcome by His eternal, and everlasting love for me. God’s grace never ceases- to amaze me. His amazing grace always finds me in the dark, and reaches out with his undying love- to once again save me…
I am so very grateful for this beautiful life. For the brilliant sunsets, and the early morning sunrise. For the epic Colorado blue skies, that transition poetically into night.
For the moon that glows, the twinkling stars that shine, and for the afterglow of the moon- burning brightly into our daytime…
For the storm clouds that rise to the heavens- or gently roll through. For the pitter-patter of rain when it drops- For all of our life memories, and my loving thoughts of you.
For the snow when it falls, and the intricate wonder of snow flakes. For snuggling next to you- when I’m cold. And waking beside you- when the light of the early morning day, breaks.
For the sweet morning bird songs, that sing of spring and rebirth. For your comforting hugs when the sting of this life- hurts worst.
For the soothing sound- of your deep voice that calms, and relaxes my worry. For the quiet moments spent with you. When life pauses, and we let go of the hurry.
For your tender, loving kisses, and I love you’s. For our barefoot, mountain wedding, our custom vows, and I do’s.
For paddleboarding side by side in the hot summer sun. For camping, hiking, night fires, and outdoor family fun.
For jogging alongside me with our littlest in tow. I love and adore every moment with you, and I love you more than you’ll ever know.
I am so very grateful- for this beautiful life. For all of our family and friends, our children, and for you- right by my side.
Today- I took a walk with God. I talked to God. I cried with God. I asked why, and what for and how come? with God. I pleaded with God. I prayed to God, and then I waited in silence – for God to answer me.
I waited patiently, and quietly. I breathed in deeply, and exhaled forcefully. The tears, and life’s let-downs poured right out of me. Some days are downright hard- mentally. They’re messy, and they catch me- off guard, and unprepared. But these days are there- to remind me again… that timing isn’t up to me. as to when- or how this life works out for me. So I breathe in deeply- Again. And I turn my faith right back to Him. This is God’s Plan. God’s got me. And I’m down on my knees waiting patiently. Faithfully. I’m praying silently. Believing, and trusting blindly… in His timing. In His glory. In this life story- that He’s lovingly laid out for me… This is my journey and there’s peace in knowing that ultimately- God’s got me… In ALL things. along every step of the way. Every minute of every day, God’s got me, and He loves me. This is God’s plan and He has answered me this.. I must put my full faith Into Jesus- Nothing less. Because- He knows best… Always.
Life’s most precious moments- are fleeting. My heart is alive and well, and still beating.
I’ve been busy living every minute- to the fullest. In the quiet moments, I am grieving. But in the face of it all, I remain upright and stoic.
I may crumble in the dark- but God brings me right back to His light. I may get angry at the journey that lies in front of me. But God is holding my hand tight.
I didn’t ask for this, and I’d rather not have to do it. But God brought me to this- and He will bring me through it.
I choose to set my sights on every silver lining that lies before me. I choose faith over fear, and I hold onto hope with all the courage I have- even while I am mourning.
I believe wholeheartedly that our life journey is for a reason. We may not understand our hardships or life difficulties- but we must remain steadfast, trust in Him and keep believing.
I will give my all- to be a beacon of bright light for all who may go down a similar life journey. This isn’t me going into battle. This is me going through some tough-ass moments, letting go, big personal growth, and so much learning.
Cancer does not, and will not ever define me. I will rise and face the music directly in front of me, bask in God’s healing light, and breathe in peace, as I begin the painful process of leaving this cancer behind me.
There are painful, Angry moments. In the in-between. When I scream, shout And curse my way Through this grief… When I am weak. When I feel small. When I fall- All the way… Down.
Grace Only finds me Again…when- I am ready.
When I give in- And give it all Right back to Him. When I kneel down, And pray… God shines His everlasting light Down upon me. Radiating His love And blessings All around me. And it is then…when- I know and feel That everything Surrounding me, Dumbfounding me, And humbly Grounding me Will be okay…
But grace Doesn’t find me Every waking day.
It is up to me To go looking, Crawling, climbing Or falling… My way back To trusting in Him. Again, and again, And again.
I give my heart, My love, My faith, My trust, And my gratitude To Him.
Believing In His healing, And In His timing More than mine. And I will keep Fighting, Persevering And overcoming My plight. I have cancer- But that Doesn’t define My life.
Tree of life- Rooted, grounded, And founded On love. Built with our hopes, And dreams, And a future team of- Unified strength And rising above- The challenges, Battles and difficulties We’ll face. Together, we’re better For life’s uphill race.
Beautiful beginnings. A family- With children In the making. Each one precious, Each birth, breathtaking. In awe, overjoyed, And so overcome- By the miracle of life, The power of love. So much gratitude, And appreciation For our family who Surrounds us, Grounds us, And blankets us In their prayers. Together, with God, We will always Rise above Life’s many layers.
For seasons of change, They will come. And they will pass. A steady stream Of normalcy, And time racing by Too fast. Taking moments For granted. But knowing- Normal never lasts. Life can change, In the blink of an eye. Tell those you love- And that you Love them for life. Reach out and hug them. Hold onto them tight. Count your blessings When you’re with them, And be grateful- For every moment Of this magnificent life.
Generations of our ancestors, Rooted, grounded, And founded On an abundance of love. Our Tree of life. Our beautiful family. Eternally grateful to our Heavenly Father above.
A major life change- Unfolding swiftly Before me. Each day- A new wave, And an attempt At a brave face- With this tough, New reality. Breast Cancer, Has completely Dumbfounded me. It’s astounding- To me… Just how fast The Cancer Center Moves. With their patient’s care, There is no time to lose. Testing and directing you, Collecting results, Analyzing and presenting Everything They know. Offering their expertise, Comforting words, And best of all, HOPE. The cancer- Must be removed, And the time Is coming now. And my job As a patient Is to prepare myself… And I will- SOMEHOW. A mind-numbing Place in time, And so surreal. Some moments feel Much more- Like a dream, And —- it seems Almost impossible To swallow Or even digest A mere fraction of this- The magnitude Of all that is- Happening So fast. I’m tapping Into my inner Strength and courage, Hope and faith, My sacred space. But I do not And will not Feel sorry for me- Only uncertainty For all that is coming, And all that will be. For whatever reason, THIS— Is part of My life journey. A new chapter Of learning- Healing, And letting go, Overcoming, And BIG growth For me- Spiritually. Putting my full faith Into God- To carry me When I am tired, And weary. I feel in my heart Of hearts, That all will be okay… But I worry- Most about My beautiful family. And how THEY Are going to cope, And manage Around me. I MUST AND I WILL Get through this! For this— Is just a BIG bump In the road. This cancer- May be as fierce as a tiger, But I — I AM a fiercer fighter. And with the heart of a lion, I will prove That I am MIGHTIER!
Occupying my free time to avoid thinking too much about pending biopsy results. Painting made the waiting pass a little more easily and less frantically.
Breast Cancer Wasn’t the The answer I ever wanted to hear…
It hit me hard- Then fear Sank deep- Within my heart. The world paused- And Everything Around me- Faded out. I was suddenly, And completely Unaware of my Surroundings- As I momentarily, And mentally Checked out.
I felt numb. SO NUMB. Everything a blur. I went inward- To a quiet place As I soaked in Every word, And understood As much as I could- About this New and foreign Space. My heart raced.
Both Invasive And non-invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Tiny, but Potentially significant Calcifications Are present around This small mass- Alas- You’ll need an MRI Followed by- Meeting your Oncology team at MD Anderson Cancer Center Are you familiar?
Jeneane, Your nurse Navigator, Will be calling…
My heart- Continued falling. The ground Slowly crumbling Beneath my feet. As I was trying To wrap my head Around every Foreign word Just spoken to me.
I feel deeply Anxious about This whirlwind Of news… This flood Of sudden, But absolutely Necessary Slew- of Doctor’s Appointments Leading up to- Surgery, Recovery, The possibility Of A lumpectomy, Mastectomy? Reconstruction, Genetics testing Radiation Or hormonal Treatment therapy. The thought of Future cancer rediscovery? My mind Was racing Ahead of me- Why is all of this happening?
Breathe. Just breathe.
Cancer will not Get the best of me! This is just another Difficult life test for me. And I am ready… At least, I’m trying really hard- To be. Knowing Deep within my heart- God’s got me. No matter what. In my weakest moments, His grace and light Will carry me, And I will fight With every Ounce of life in me.
I am grounded. Re-grounded. I am humbled. Re-humbled. I am grateful. Newly grateful, For every blessing I have taken for granted. I am blessed. So very blessed. With the best- Friends and family And support I feel All around me.
My happily ever after Isn’t the perfect body, The perfect house, Or the perfect life. It’s love and laughter. It’s God’s light. It’s family and friends, And moments together No matter the weather. It’s overcoming, And conquering Every life obstacle, And beating CANCER. It’s living a long And happy life In remission- AFTER.
Beauty exists In the everyday Mundane. Happiness exists In life’s littlest And simplest of things.
I am deeply grateful For this life. And I am scared. Please lift me up In your prayers. I can do this. I will get through this.
(Please ladies, go get your mammogram! This happened within 1-1/2 years since my last. I didn’t feel a lump. The doctor’s assistant didn’t feel a lump. I requested a mammogram. That mammogram showed a tiny mass – the size of a pencil eraser. That find led to a 3D scan and an ultrasound. I was given the option of waiting and rechecking in 6 months time or a breast biopsy to find out in a few days time. I chose the biopsy and my cancer was detected, thank God! It is scary, but so necessary. Please don’t hesitate. Advocate for yourself and your body. Trust your gut and don’t ever question it.)
Life’s precious moments Are fleeting- Your tiny feet Pitter-pattering While squealing, Scurrying And running All throughout Our tiny house…
Be still, my heart.
Your giggles And wiggles One-liners, Two-worders, Three-worders, And more. Your sentences And sassiness, With occasional Meowing And barking On all fours.
Your grumbles And mumbles Growls and sighs.
Your tiny little voice, And adorable pouting face With half-closed eyes.
Your deep voice – singing, And ukulele strumming- While leaning into your mic.
Your drumsticks- In the form of Two chopsticks, Banging and clanging On everything in sight.
Pwaying bwocks , Watching Grizzy Or Gabby, And going outside.
Pretend cooking- Making coffee and cake In your mini kitchen Not far from mine.
Snuggling And cuddling. Breakfast, cartoons, And morning bath time.
These precious Life moments- Are God’s greatest gifts To be cherished for A lifetime!
I’m grateful For every Single moment I get to spend Right by your side.
Be still, my heart!
I love you forever And always! I love you forever In ALL ways!
As our birthday nears, I find myself A little lost- And Quiet in my Thoughts Of remembering YOU- First learning of you. Celebrating you. Losing you. Mourning you.
Differently- This year. But again- Anyway. And more- These last few Days. But in reality- Most likely… Always.
Blindsided. This- Shadow grief… Each time my mind Sneaks- Back to you, This day. Your day. Our day. And letting go… But- Not by my choice My voice Cracks, My heart clenches- Tightly. I choke up. Swallowing hard- Trying to collect myself- Politely. Imploring it all to pass But alas- It arrives anyway-
My emotions Pooling. Welling up. Sorrow spilling- Lightly… This releasing Of you- Once again. Quietly. Just Feeling a little sad… On this melancholy, Pre-celebratory Day. My Mom’s birthday, My birthday, And the day I miscarried You Naturally— On July 7th Back in 2017. Happy almost birthday, Sweet Talin! I love you ALWAYS. I love you DEEPLY. I will love you FOREVER… Unconditionally- And Completely.
I see you in the Butterflies That come To say hello. And in the hawks Perched on landings Or flying overhead Watching over Our family Wherever we go- I feel you in my heart And with me In spirit. And I will- Go on missing you Forever, But each year Better. And tomorrow I’ll be celebrating You and hope Wherever you are, That you hear it!
From all social media She laid low The life she lived She took back And made it her own Again No more show And tell She fell Silent To the world around her Let solidarity and peace Surround her She was no longer Bound to her Need to please Need for acceptance Need to somehow Prove her self worth Now She aimed to Please herself by Doing things She knew might Fill her heart With joy and love Her rising above Society’s unrealistic Expectations Of what a woman And mother Should look like and be We Are human And yes, we are Super women But not by Society’s definition We are Perfectly imperfect Just the way we are In the now With every one of Our hard earned Tiger stripes And scars And we are Beautiful In our every shape And size As our amazing bodies Transform Throughout our lives I hereby declare We are Our own prize Unobjectified And we deserve To respect And love ourselves For far more Than just our outsides
There’s something magical- About a midnight sky… Blanketed by stars; A million dancing little lights.
The soft glow of the crescent moon- The silky haze of the Milky Way. There’s something beautiful In the thought- That half of the world’s dreams Will soon be underway.
There’s something peaceful- About the cool midnight air. A calming and soothing energy- A time of gratitude, reflection, And prayer.
There’s a spiritual shift- When the bustling day Finally winds down, And transforms into night. It’s the perfect time- To wish upon a star… To snuggle up close, And tuck your loved ones in- Just right.
There’s something magical About a midnight sky… Silent within our own thoughts, And millions of prayers Reaching up towards the heavens- Each night.
There’s a magic- Comforting us from way up high; A twinkling beacon of hope- Watching over this side of the world- Until the next sun begins to rise-
DEPRESSION – Calls EVERY thing Into question. It never arrives- To teach us a lesson.
It’s unrelenting, Unforgiving, So belittling.
It thrives on Self-oppression, Self-aggression, And self-demise —
I DESPISE — Depression. NO question.
Behind our eyes And our smile, There’s a darkness That can hold us- Captive. Triggers make it Reactive. The impact it has – on Our Spirit, our mood, Our ability to interact — We retract. Silently, slyly, shyly. Not wanting to be a burden- Yet, so desperately Wanting to be heard – ‘n Struggling to find Enough courage To purge it — out loud. Our urge is — Too proud- To let it all come out.
Instead— We tend to suffer alone – Inside our own head. Keeping it to ourselves- Is what we do best.
I pray for the day When the topic of Our mental health Isn’t so taboo—
When our pride and ego Can take a backseat — to- Our vulnerability, And reaching out- To help others through.
Alone, We can do so little. Together, There is so much more We can ALL do — Better.
Speaking openly About our struggles- Allows others To feel comfortable Doing the same. It’s high time — for change.
I DESPISE — Depression. No question!
And if you, Or someone you know, Suffers from Depression, too? Reach out- Check in- Let them know How much you care- Even if you may not Understand — It makes a difference Just knowing you’re there.
To the best and most beautiful creations of my life
In such uncertain times, with the fires consuming our beautiful state of Colorado, with Covid #s rising again and with the looming presidential election upon us creating so much negativity and divisiveness….these life moments feel more fleeting to me than ever before!
Our time here is but a blink and so are these precious moments with our children and loved ones – which I’ve been guilty of taking for granted time and time again. I want nothing more than to comfort my children and reassure them of more certain times ahead, not really knowing what that looks or feels like. I feel helpless in so many ways as a mom. I’m doing my best, but have I done enough??? That question keeps me up at night! My kids are 16, 12 and 18 months. I lie next to our youngest at night, watching her sleep … and wish I could go back in time and spend more time with my older 2 doing the same…..these moments are truly life’s greatest treasure.
Art has had to take a back seat (and I miss it terribly), but I still have time to write poetry as I lie in bed with a mind that refuses to rest … this poem came to me the other night and would not leave me until I wrote (texted) it down in a message to myself … and then to our oldest 2. It’s so important to always let them know how you feel and to say it often because you just never know what tomorrow holds.
To my children – the best and most beautiful creations of my lifetime:
If I could… I’d hug you tight. I’d snuggle and cuddle you Through the night.
I’d comfort you- And hold you close. I’d rub your face, And kiss your nose.
I’d bring you peace, And let you rest. I’d pause the world- And take your stress.
I’d make your every Dream come true. I’d squeeze your hand- And celebrate you!
I’d remind you Of all the wonderful ways- You brighten my world On the darkest of days.
I’d look into Your beautiful eyes- And tell you, “I love you!” A thousand more times.
I’d hug you close- And never let go. I’d freeze the moments And never grow old.
If I could… Go back in time, I’d spend more hours With your hand in mine.
I’d play with you, And sing with you. I’d dance the whole night Through with you.
We’d walk and talk And stare up at the sky, And watch the clouds And the world go by.
We’d wish upon Every twinkling star- And soak in every moment Wherever we are.
We’d giggle and laugh The whole day through- Telling dad jokes & bad jokes, And mom jokes, too.
If I could… Go back in time- I’d make more moments For your heart and mine.
I love you more than All the stars that shine. I’m your biggest fan & I’ll always- Carry your heart inside mine.
I will love you forever And always… I will be proud of you forever In ALL ways!
Letting go
Of all the things
No longer serving me.
Poor excuses,
Self Pity,
And self image negativity.
I am UNbecoming
The loudest critic
Deep within me.
A new decade.
A new year.
New Self-love and respect
For everything
My body has done for me.
Feeling immense gratitude
For every gift
God has laid out before me,
And for every moment in difficult times,
Where His light and grace
Have carried me.
Actions
Speak louder than words-
My body is healed.
And I am ready… Finally!
Body, mind and soul,
Are you listening?
There will be days
Where I’m up before dawn
Rebuilding
Re-instilling
And Reigniting
The fighting spirit inside me.
Regaining my strength,
Endurance,
And ability-
One step at a time
Toward the future me I see.
Removing the inner chaos
And making way-
For mental peace and clarity.
Re-grounding my spirit,
And doing my best
To love myself fairly.
Opening my heart,
And listening carefully.
Being present more often
For our beautiful,
And growing family.
Focusing
With intention,
Purpose, fortitude,
Patience and positivity.
Our children are watching
How I navigate and tackle
Every obstacle-
Life places in front of me.
I am becoming,
And overcoming daily.
Relentlessly.
And nothing will stop me.
Nothing.
I AM BECOMING.
Lying under the midnight sky,
Gazing up through the darkness above me.
Captivated by each flittering star-
An energy grows inside me.
The earth – so comforting, so gentle, so still.
The breeze electrifies every hair on my body-
Chills tingle inside and out.
The silence calms my tensions and worries.
And time no longer keeps count.
Everywhere around me – darkness stands motionless.
Shadows are frozen in time.
I can feel the energy glowing from within me-
I am the light-
And the darkness is mine.
dreamer | artist | painter | poet 