cancer warrior – dreamer | artist | painter

Dear Self …

Dear self,

I cried for you-
I held you close.
I felt your spirit tremble.
I was sorry for everything
You were up against-
But I also knew
It wasn’t anything
You couldn’t handle…

Breast Cancer came
And stripped me
Of my identity.

I’d be lying if I said
I wasn’t struggling-
Mentally.

I am still reeling
From all I went through
Physically…

And still healing
From the cancer aftermath
Intricacies.
It’s tricky.

There’s just so much
I feel like
I have lost from this…

And yet, in the same breath,
I’m incredibly grateful
To everyone who was there
And got me through it…

But I’m grieving
Everything I used to be-
Half of my self-image
Was ripped from me.

My beautiful hair
Came out in clumps.
My eyelashes disappeared.
And the most feminine parts
Of me were stripped away.
It’s hard to feel like yourself again when Everything has changed.

My hair is growing back in,
Ever so slowly,
But strangely.
When I look
In the mirror now,
I hardly recognize the person
Standing in front of me.

I look deeply into the eyes
Staring back at me-
The same eyes
I have looked into,
And out from
My entire life…

And I see so much sadness
In that little girl,
My inner child,
Hidden away
Behind those walls
Deep down inside of me.

I want her to know
That I’m so proud
Of everything
She’s overcome.
I want her to know-
She’s beautiful
No matter what
This life has done.

And even if
She no longer
Sees it within herself,
She has way too much
Life left to live
To put herself
Up on that shelf.

I want her to keep fighting
And growing-
Through her own inner turmoil-
I want her to know that
Some of life’s most beautiful
Things sprout up from
A single seed and lots of soil.

I want her to stop building
A fortress to keep the world out-
Instead, I want her to feel and pour
Her beautiful broken heart out.

I want her spirit to soften
Instead of growing bitter.
I want her to feel loved
In spite of her scars and her flaws-
For they will only make her better.

I want her to feel powerful
In spite of her weakest moments.
And I want her to
Spread her wings and fly again…
And release
All the pain she tends
To hide the closest.

I want her to see and feel
The magic of this world again.
And I want her to know
That this battle
Isn’t where her precious life ends…
It’s where her beautful
New chapter begins…

– Tanielle Childers ©️ 4.24.23

Breast Cancer
Kicked me down-
From diagnosis
To doctors appointments,
To consultations-
And further testing.
From big surgeries
To healing and resting-
And then, just when
I was feeling strong again,
It kicked me back down-
And I laid lifeless
After my very last
Chemo round…
And when I thought
The worst was over,
It blindsided me,
And knocked me further-
Down to the ground…
And God brought me
To my knees.
Reaching for me.
Holding me,
And humbly
Reminding me
Of all the healing
I have left to do.
The emotions
That have pooled-
Of all that has happened.
I must now-
Begin to work thru.
My cancer days are
Behind me-
But in front of me
Lies a heavy blanket of grief-
The cancer aftermath-
The emotional rollercoaster.
The forever hangover,
And the reminders
That there are no do-overs.
The loss of what I once was-
Before cancer took
Those parts of me.
And the new reality
Of what now is…
The new ‘survivor’ me.
The traumas,
And inside wounds
I must now tend to.
My broken heart-
Just doesn’t hold
The same magic it used to.
My recovery is far from over.
There’s no end game.
No end date.
But the cancer is gone,
And life should be great.
Except that it’s not.
And that makes me
Feel guilty-
More times than not.
The future feels
Haunting,
Overwhelming,
And daunting.
It feels defeating,
Sorrowful,
And sad.
I feel angry,
And in moments-
Stark raving mad.
It’s hard to wrap
My head around-
The magnitude
Of all I’ve been through.
And no one around me
Understands the depth
Of anything I’m feeling
Or going through.
I’m just back to living
As if everything
I just went through
Wasn’t anything.
Except that it was…
And the sadness,
And mood swings,
And feelings
Are horribly isolating,
And deeply
Heartbreaking.
But I’m still here
Doing my best.
Reminding myself daily
That I’m blessed.
Because I am.
But underneath it all-
I’m still struggling.
More than I care to admit.
My life has forever changed
And I’m not convinced
That I’m better for it
Yet.

~Tanielle Childers ©️ 11.27.22

Transformation

Poetry by Tanielle Childers

I’m searching
High and low-
For the rainbow
In my new normal.
Crying, praying,
Pondering,
And wavering
Between hope
And hopeless.
Between faith
And why this?
Feeling all the
weight, and strain,
And bulk of this-
New world
I’m staring into.
A long road ahead
Of healing,
And reeling,
And struggling
To stand tall,
And strong again.
I feel like I’m fighting
Against the wind.
But I always fight
To win.
I’m weakened,
And I’ve been
Hit hard
By chemo treatment.
My daily struggles
Are no secret.
My dignity
Has taken a big hit.
And I’m right in
The thick of it.
Hair loss, weight gain,
Stiff, painful muscles,
Twitching, sensitive eyes,
And Menopause –
Overnight.
Tissue expanders,
And fluid retention.
I’m down at the bottom
Begging for redemption.
Breast Cancer
Is a disease
and a terrible life infection
A life changing direction,
With deepened introspection
Of who and what
I am at my core
Because everything
That once was-
Is nothing like
It was – before.
I must do
Everything
Within my power
To find the rainbow
After this storm.
I must set my ego aside
And find the light
In my new life-
My new norm.
For there is beauty
To be found
In every life cycle
And in every living form.

-Tanielle 6.20.22

I Am 1 in 8

Poetry by Tanielle Childers, Uncategorized

Breast Cancer
I am 1 in 8.
Blinded by the diagnosis,
and still coming to terms
with accepting this
as my fate.

I could ask, “Why me?”,
and go to a sad,
dark place quite easily.
But that is a question-
that will never
be answered.
And staying there
would rob me
of my power-
Indefinitely.

Instead-
I choose positivity.
I choose hope.
I choose faith.
I choose humor.
I choose to find the things
that make me feel happy,
rather than focus only
on all the difficulty.
I choose gratitude.
And I choose my attitude.
Daily. And intentionally.

Breast Cancer treatment-
is a BIG mountain to climb.
A giant obstacle-
directly in front of me.
And I am facing it head on,
and riding the waves of change,
and the side effects
of every treatment
with as much grace
as I can, to the best
of my ability.
Overcoming this-
And sharing my story
and my journey
along the way-
is part of my life destiny.
And I believe that
wholeheartedly.

Breast Cancer-
Why me?
I will never know
the reason.
And I will never ask.
This is my life test,
and I’ve been
called to task.
I am 1 in 8.
And I will overcome.
I will do my best
to keep my chin up
through this adversity,
and my battle
WILL be won.

Breast Cancer
affects so many.
It’s shocking
when you’re
in the thick of it.
Giant hugs and honor
to all who have been
impacted –
by this enormity.
I stand among the
countless women
who have been down
this road before me.
And I look forward
to standing with them
at the finish line,
as a survivor
with a story.

-Tanielle Childers ©️ 4.21.22

How Great Is Our God

Poetry by Tanielle Childers, Uncategorized

This was written the day my chemo port was placed, and the night before my very first chemo treatment. I was terrified of all of the unknowns. I leaned into God at every scary turn and it was everything I needed and more – to get me through it. May this poem find those who need it and offer up all of the same to you in your time of need or for someone you love! Love, light and giant hugs to all going through their own life battles right now. May we become beacons of light in the eye of the storm we’re in, to give hope to all those who follow a similar life journey! 💗💗💗

Laughter is the best medicine – so don’t forget to laugh as often as possible to get those endorphins coming your way. Stay strong!

God’s grace-
is a glorious place.
A prayerful,
and meditative state-
filled with peace,
unconditional love,
and safe keeping.
Releasing,
And unleashing me
from all that burdens
my weary,
and tethered mind-
to fearful,
and unkind thoughts-
that slowly rise up
to the tip top.
Becoming louder
And more prominent,
and dominant
than my faith.
I pause in reflection-
And feel God beckon
me back-
to trust in Him
completely.
To not fear this road
I see in front of me.
But to believe in Him,
And to seek the beauty,
amongst the rubble
He has lovingly
bestowed upon me.
I must always retrace
my steps-
back to the quiet,
prayerful space-
when I feel lost-
And He will come
to greet me,
and I must lean in
with everything I am-
to learn every lesson
He is teaching me.
I feel renewed
by the power of faith
He has restored within me.
He refuses
to give up on me.
God’s grace
is everything.
Even through
all of these life trials,
and tribulations-
I am humbled and blessed
by the outpouring
of God’s greatest kindnesses,
and I am wholeheartedly,
and profoundly gracious.
I will do my very best
to remain steadfast,
and courageous-
in the face of-
my greatest challenges.
God’s grace-
Is the most glorious,
and peaceful place.
Where my tears
of gratitude
stream freely.
Where my heart
is overcome
by His eternal,
and everlasting
love for me.
God’s grace
never ceases-
to amaze me.
His amazing grace
always finds me
in the dark,
and reaches out
with his undying love-
to once again save me…

How great is our God!

-Tanielle Childers ©️ 3.21.22

Beautiful Scars

Uncategorized

Beautiful scars
on both sides of my heart.
Proof that I will do anything,
and everything-
to stay right where you are.

My family and friends
are my world.
These life moments
are like gold.
Removing my breast cancer
is my act of intention
towards my will
for growing old.

A major life-changing,
life-saving decision.
A skin-sparing,
double mastectomy.
Letting go of all that is
no longer best for me.

I haven’t lost anything!
I’ve gained my life,
and more minutes.
I’m well on my way-
to a cancer-free me.
I am blessed. I am humble,
and I am in this to win it.

Beautiful scars-
on both sides of my heart,
tell a bigger life story
of survival, revival,
God’s amazing grace,
and His everlasting glory.

I Choose Faith Over Fear

Poetry by Tanielle Childers

Life’s most precious moments-
are fleeting.
My heart is alive and well,
and still beating.

I’ve been busy living every minute-
to the fullest.
In the quiet moments,
I am grieving.
But in the face of it all,
I remain upright and stoic.

I may crumble in the dark-
but God brings me right back
to His light.
I may get angry at the journey
that lies in front of me.
But God is holding my hand tight.

I didn’t ask for this,
and I’d rather not have to do it.
But God brought me to this-
and He will bring me through it.

I choose to set my sights
on every silver lining
that lies before me.
I choose faith over fear,
and I hold onto hope
with all the courage I have-
even while I am mourning.

I believe wholeheartedly
that our life journey
is for a reason.
We may not understand
our hardships or life difficulties-
but we must remain steadfast,
trust in Him and keep believing.

I will give my all-
to be a beacon of bright light
for all who may go down
a similar life journey.
This isn’t me going into battle.
This is me going through some
tough-ass moments, letting go,
big personal growth,
and so much learning.

Cancer does not,
and will not ever define me.
I will rise and face the music
directly in front of me,
bask in God’s healing light,
and breathe in peace,
as I begin the painful process of
leaving this cancer behind me.

I Am Mightier

Poetry by Tanielle Childers

I AM MIGHTIER

A major life change-
Unfolding swiftly
Before me.
Each day-
A new wave,
And an attempt
At a brave face-
With this tough,
New reality.
Breast Cancer,
Has completely
Dumbfounded me.
It’s astounding-
To me…
Just how fast
The Cancer Center
Moves.
With their patient’s care,
There is no time to lose.
Testing and directing you,
Collecting results,
Analyzing and presenting
Everything
They know.
Offering their expertise,
Comforting words,
And best of all,
HOPE.
The cancer-
Must be removed,
And the time
Is coming now.
And my job
As a patient
Is to prepare myself…
And I will-
SOMEHOW.
A mind-numbing
Place in time,
And so surreal.
Some moments feel
Much more-
Like a dream,
And —- it seems
Almost impossible
To swallow
Or even digest
A mere fraction of this-
The magnitude
Of all that is-
Happening
So fast.
I’m tapping
Into my inner
Strength and courage,
Hope and faith,
My sacred space.
But I do not
And will not
Feel sorry for me-
Only uncertainty
For all that is coming,
And all that will be.
For whatever reason,
THIS—
Is part of
My life journey.
A new chapter
Of learning-
Healing,
And letting go,
Overcoming,
And BIG growth
For me-
Spiritually.
Putting my full faith
Into God-
To carry me
When I am tired,
And weary.
I feel in my heart
Of hearts,
That all will be okay…
But I worry-
Most about
My beautiful family.
And how THEY
Are going to cope,
And manage
Around me.
I MUST
AND I WILL
Get through this!
For this—
Is just a BIG bump
In the road.
This cancer-
May be as fierce as a tiger,
But I —
I AM a fiercer fighter.
And with the heart of a lion,
I will prove
That I am MIGHTIER!

Tag: cancer warrior

Dear Self …

The Cancer Aftermath

Transformation

I Am 1 in 8

How Great Is Our God

Beautiful Scars

I Choose Faith Over Fear

I Am Mightier