Last night I felt beautiful. And so very special. I felt like a Queen. It wasn’t because of What I wore Because I often Wear the same clothes. Or because of The make-up I put on.. Because it was The same as It almost always is. It was because You took the time To plan such a special night- At such an amazing place That neither of us had Ever been to before. It was because you Reserved a time Just for us. You opened my door, You took the lead, And led the way. To what has become One of my My most favorite dates- And those Moments in time I will never forget! You made me feel Beautiful Just as I am. 26 years after We said I DO, And I am grateful Beyond words. And you – You were so Very handsome. And sexy. My King. Not because of What you wore. Because you’ve worn Those clothes before. But because of your Thoughtfulness And kindness. And attention to detail. I felt like the luckiest Woman in the world To have you by my side In such a beautiful, And romantic place. Thank you for Making last night everything It was. It felt like magic. I felt seen. I felt appreciated. I felt beautiful. I felt like your Queen And you, My King- Like we were In the very beginning .. Of us. I truly cannot Thank you enough!
This is me back in June of 2013. Age 36. Boy was I proud of her! This was one of those moments I will relish for my entire life. This photo was taken after the very first race I ever ran; Steamboat’s half-marathon (13.1 beautiful miles on a long and winding road right into the heart of downtown). Crossing that finish line made me feel like I was on top of the world; like I could conquer anything and everything! It felt like winning the lottery, but what I went through to get me to this day, were some of my darkest, and hardest moments that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Let me back up a little. It was the summer of 2012. My husband and I had been married for 12 years, and were the proud parents of two amazing kids, ages four and eight, with a little one on the way. This pregnancy was an unexpected blessing, and we were all feeling the excitement. I heard the heartbeat at 12 weeks, and it was strong, and beautiful. My daughter and I heard it again at 16 weeks, but my blood pressure was rising with time. A doctor prescribed me high blood pressure meds over the phone, and I reluctantly started on them the very next day. I hated the way this medicine made me feel. And worse then that, I grew increasingly concerned about the effects of it on our growing baby. I made a long list of concerns for our next appointment which would be our 19 week gender ultrasound. It couldn’t arrive soon enough, and it would become a day that would change our lives forever.
August 9, 2012 was a beautiful, and bright, sunshiny day! Our 8 year old daughter, Kaia, was hopeful to find out she would be getting a baby sister. Our 4 year old son, Korbin, was of course hoping for a little brother. We were giggling as we placed bets on what it would be just before leaving the house. To see Kaia beaming with so much excitement made my heart overflow with love and gratitude. It was uncontainable and contagious. It was such an exciting time that we went as a whole family even inviting my mom along for the fun.
The energy of the ultrasound room felt electric as the technician began to scan my growing belly. We couldn’t wait to see if we were having a boy or a girl. Our eyes were glued to the screen and then to the technician’s face unable to understand what we were looking at. As the minutes passed, I watched her expression slowly shift, and felt my heart beginning to race. The whole energy of the room suddenly took a dark turn. My body tensed up as I did my best to read between the lines. It was clear that something very serious was happening. My mom quickly gathered up our kids and exited the room quietly at the technician’s offer. What came next was every parent’s worst nightmare. I can’t find a heartbeat. Your baby has died.
I chose to deliver our baby the next day without the use of any pain meds because I wanted to be fully present in honoring the life that once was. I can’t explain why I chose this path as some might see it as unnecessary. What I can tell you, is, there is no right or wrong way to handle a loss of this magnitude. I can only tell you that I followed my heart and chose the path that felt right within my own spirit. It was the only option that made me feel some sort of peace of mind in my newly shattered heart.
The next day felt like the unfolding of a living nightmare. My husband, Toby, and I checked into the maternity ward where I was induced. I went through normal labor pains all day while doing my best to mentally prepare for delivery knowing it would be goodbye. Hearing the bell when other healthy babies were being born added salt to our wounds. The deep, guttural sobbing that came from the depths of my soul as our baby was born, felt far too heavy for anyone to bear. Dason Albert Childers was born sleeping on August 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm. He had all 10 fingers, and 10 toes, and was without a doubt a little baby boy, who was now our beautiful angel up in heaven.
The days that followed were a blur. I’m sure the sun was shining but I sure couldn’t feel it. The days felt dark, and heavy, and long. I would sleep and awake to thoughts and physical feelings of still being pregnant, and then having to relive the nightmare over and over once it registered that I no longer was. There were too many tears to count. I was struggling on so many different levels. Since it was baby number three, my body was ready to feed a baby and I had no baby to nurse. Postpartum depression set in, and this was the most depressed I had ever felt, and the extra baby weight I had gained didn’t help. I knew my body would eventually heal, but I wasn’t certain my heart ever would.
One week after I delivered our son, I had a follow-up appointment with my midwife at the same place where we found out our son had died. Sitting in the same waiting area surrounded by expecting moms felt like torture. My midwife was concerned that my blood pressure was still high. I felt like reminding her of the trauma I was reliving by coming back, but I didn’t have the energy to explain it. I was doing everything in my power just to hold myself together without bursting into a puddle of tears. She went on to tell me that I would likely have high blood pressure issues for the rest of my life. She also expressed that the only way to really ever get over a loss like this, was to have another baby. As I look back on this, I’m still not sure if I would describe her words as, “the truth hurts” or “completely out of line”, but I am grateful, and I do know this … she lit a fire in me that still burns today.
After 6 weeks post-delivery, I was finally cleared for exercise. I had two young kids to raise, and my body was healed good enough to get moving. I was on a mission of proving my midwife wrong, so I started going to Jenni’s strength training bootcamp with fellow moms and friends with kids. I remember showing up in ratty, super uncool gym clothes, and a pair of 10 year-old Nike athletic shoes that barely fit. They were more like plastic than rubber by this point, but it’s what I had at the time, and it was enough to get the job done. Jenni’s bootcamp was a godsend. It got me out of bed each morning and helped me to get out of my head and distracted me from my broken heart. After strength training at Namaqua Park, some of the moms would head over to the TVHS track and jog. They invited me to tag along one day and I giggled in response. I certainly wasn’t a runner in any way, shape or form, but I gladly joined in, and did what my out-of-shape body was capable of doing. I started walking and jogging really short distances. It didn’t take much to take my breath away in the beginning. As uncomfortable as it was, for some reason, I just kept going. And I continued going without much more thought. I wasn’t ever focused on how hard it was or how out of breath I was. I was just so grateful to be socializing with moms who were quickly becoming great friends all while our young kids got to hang out and play. Whether they knew it at the time or not, these women were carrying me through one of the darkest periods of my life.
Fast forward about a month and a half. I showed up to Namaqua Park early that day needing to fill my mind with something other than the sadness that haunted me. I arrived before everyone else, and decided to start jogging around the perimeter of the park to get warmed up. I was about seven laps in, and realized I could still breathe. I was in total awe. Maybe it was my first runner’s high? I have no idea, but I was the kid who didn’t like to run growing up because it would kick up my asthma, and make me wheeze. I was the young adult who had her right knee reconstructed twice from skiing and softball, and was advised to maybe take up golf. I was the person who couldn’t understand why anyone, in their right mind, would want to run. And here I was jogging and someone still breathing. In that moment, everything changed for me. I accidentally, and unintentionally fell head over heels in love with running.
Jogging grew to feel like some kind of super power. It was slowly becoming my super power; my fight song. And I just kept going. I would push through the uncomfortable moments when I wanted to quit, and I would shove every excuse I wanted to give into the backseat, and I kept going with every extra step I could muster. I think I can. I think I can. Before I knew it, I could jog four laps (1 mile) around the track without stopping. The excitement I felt with every small victory kept me going back for more. I tried to add a little distance each time I went or I would sprint, walk, and repeat. Slowly, I grew stronger over time. Slowly, I ran further over time. I’ll never forget the day I conquered 12 laps (3 miles) around the track without stopping. Almost a 5k. For me, that moment was HOLY SHIT!!! Here I was, 36 years old, new to jogging, and I remember thinking to myself, “there’s no way I just did that!!”. Talk about runner’s high. I was absolutely hooked. Hook, line, and sinker.
Running became the place where I could go anytime I needed to cry, pray, and to be with the son we lost. It was my therapy, and it quickly became my joy, my empowerment, rebuilding me physically and mentally from the ground up. If I woke up feeling depressed, I knew I just needed to go run and then I could be the mom I wanted to be for our kids. Running somehow physically altered the chemistry in my brain. After almost every jog, I felt more hopeful, more capable, happier, and less broken. I wanted to show our kids what a healthy coping skill for sadness could look like. On Thanksgiving morning that year, I ran 19 laps and dedicated every one to Dason who was born at 19 weeks. I felt him all around me. I always did. And I felt God carrying me through the darkness and showing me tiny glimpses of light and the rainbow waiting for me on the other side. Running made me feel alive again. I could feel the thumping of my heartbeat loud and strong, and the air I was breathing somehow became rhythmic, meditative and soul-soothing, I was healing emotionally with every step I took. It released the physical pain I felt so deep inside my heart that the tears I cried could never seem to reach. Running had this innate way of absolutely kicking my ass, and yet somehow, making me also feel the thrill of overcoming some huge victory all at the same time. It always left me feeling like maybe I could conquer anything!
Fast forward to March of 2013. My bootcamp friends were talking about a weekend in Steamboat to run in a race and enjoy a girl’s weekend away. Some moms were planning on running the full marathon. Some, the half marathon, and others, the 10k, but they were all going together in support of one another. I’ll never forget the moment they invited me to go along. Their gift made me feel this depth of gratitude that words will never be able to express. I was beyond grateful, eager, excited, absolutely terrified, but never more motivated or determined. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I just knew that I wanted to honor our son by running a race for him, and I wanted to make it big, and I needed it to be a challenge. I decided on the half-marathon, and I was giddy with excitement.
One week before the race, we were strength training in preparation, and the unthinkable happened. I rolled my ankle good and hard. I felt it pop and my mind went numb. I couldn’t believe my luck, but I wasn’t willing to throw in the towel. I had been training so hard and this race and this trip meant everything to me. I decided to do everything in my power to help it heal as quickly as I could. I went to my chiropractor at that time, and had him adjust my ankle so it could heal as quickly as possible. Boy did that adjustment hurt like a … beep! He had me icing my ankle in an ice bucket 2-3 times a day for 10 minutes each time. I did it faithfully, and applied arnica inbetween treatments doing my best to heal.
The morning of the race on June 6, 2013, I awoke early and my nerves were off the charts. I brought along an ankle brace for the extra support, but knew right away that it wasn’t going to work. I decided to leave it behind, and I planned to just listen to my body that day. If I couldn’t do it, the volunteers would just have to drive me back into town – and that was that.
I’ll never forget the 13.1 mile bus ride from downtown Steamboat. What on earth was I thinking?! I thought it would never end. Turn after turn and mile after mile. Further and further from town. The thought of having to run that distance back was absolutely terrifying and completely daunting. Getting off the bus and standing in this massive line with a bunch of people waiting for the race to start was exciting, and completely overwhelming. My nerves had me shaking like a leaf. I did my best to stretch, and felt happy and relieved to be distracted by friends with moments of nervous laughter, and last minute photos as we waited anxiously to get started. And then the time had come. I put my ear buds in, turned my running playlist on, and thought to myself, “just jog slowly and see how your ankle feels, and if it feels okay, and strong enough, just keep running, and don’t stop for anything.” I melted right into meditation mode, and found my happy pace. I was in my zone, and I just kept running. The scenery was incredible. The people cheering us on along the way made me grin from ear to ear. Here I was doing it! The pit stops with water, electrolytes and a popcicle close to the end were such an awesome mental boost. The sun was warm. The mountains and hills were breathtaking. My soul felt totally at ease. I felt Dason with me in my heart and all around me in spirit. I felt God smiling down as I continued to forge ahead. I ran every bit of the 13.1 miles back into town that day and crossed that finish line with the biggest smile on my face! Pace doesn’t matter. Finishing does. And then I got to put the most beautiful medal around my neck. It wasn’t what it looked like. It was everything it represented. I came and I conquered. I was on cloud nine. It wasn’t just a race. It was SO much more. And I did it surrounded by some of the most amazing women I have ever met, and I will cherish those moments and that weekend for my entire lifetime. I became a person I never thought I could or would be. I accidentally became a runner. In honor of our son. For my health. For our kids. For this beautiful life, and to be here for as long as I can for them. And because God placed the right people in my life, at the right time, to help me rise up after my world went dark.
I will never be able to express my gratitude to Dason, to God, and to all the amazing women who were a part of setting me on the path of becoming a runner. They took me under their wings when I was broken, and taught me how to fly. And they had no idea then, how much I would continue to need that inner strength in the years to come.
Jogging has helped carry me through a 6-month marriage separation, a 2nd miscarriage, loss of loved ones, our third child, postpartum complications, and more recently breast cancer, chemotherapy, and multiple surgeries. I often feel like the queen of starting over and beginning again … but jogging has become my super power. It reminds me of my inner strength, my why, and what matters most. It’s my favorite fight song, and I will continue running until my legs no longer can.
You are stronger & more capable than you realize! Keep your heart open, and be willing to push through the uncomfortable moments. That’s where the growth begins. If you have the courage to go there, you will undoubtably grow there! Keep going, and don’t ever give up!
There’s so much peace In surrendering, And letting go of the heaviness That’s been weighing on my Heart, body, mind, and soul.
I’m learning to lean in To the life that awaits me Eagerly- Rather than living in fear Of my fate, And all the worry Of the unknown That has plagued me.
There’s a light inside That’s starting to flicker, And shine- Again Brighter, and brighter With every layer I shed, And intentionally let go of. Releasing years Of grief and suffering I’ve worn And held onto Like a coat of armor That became my identity- In place of who, and what I once was.
Surrendering To a place of More ease, What is, And what will be. Honoring my past, And setting it free. Rich in forgiveness And compassion. Filled with gratitude, Growth, New opportunities, Abundance, And alive with A new light, Renewed love, And rising above. Thankful for Every single day I awake And for every breath I get to take.
I am no longer that Woman who once felt like a Beautiful shade of broken. And every day I’m gifted Moving forward, I will be working towards Becoming a more vibrant, And beautiful shade Of human.
I know Everyone won’t like My poetry, What I paint, The art I create, Or what I have to say.
I know what I do Isn’t everyone’s Cup of tea. And that doesn’t Offend me. If it’s not for you, That’s totally Okay.
I am also well aware That I am not the best At any one thing I do. But I do MY best Doing what I love, And I feel immense Gratitude When I get to share My passions With each one of you.
Writing poetry And creating art Feel like Breathing air for me. Both – are necessary. Both – I feel deeply.
Making art is Chasing joy, Imagination, Color. Magic, And beauty. It’s paint- Celebrating, And dancing, It’s energy. It’s transforming, And healing.
Writing poetry Is the art of sorting And processing life. Like solving A jigsaw puzzle Of emotions- With rhythm And sound And your own Heartbeat In an open diary. Whether it’s Reflective, Nostalgic, Complex, Painful, Confusing, And messy. It’s a beautiful Art of raw Vulnerability And humanity.
What fulfills me most Is human connection. And doing my best To be a beacon Of light- And inspiration To others. Because those Who inspire me, Make this life Feel more freeing,, With more purpose And meaning- And there are many!
I want to Remind you- That you don’t Have to be THE very best- In order to be A bright light For those around you. Be brave enough To chase your dreams And help make This world More vibrant just By offering YOUR best At whatever it is You feel called to do. Following your heart Doesn’t have to be Perfect. It just needs you To keep showing up, And keep following through- And I really hope you do.
As kids growing up- Every experience Feels like magic Because everything Is still fairly new- Including you.
Watching spring Bring nature back to life. Jumping in rain puddles. The flowers and trees Beginning to bloom. Picking the Prettiest ones For mom. Spring. Running around Barefoot On the grass. Playing tag, Hide and seek, And having Water fights. Camping. Sitting around The fire telling stories, and making s’mores. Swimming, And splashing In the water, At the pool Or a lake. At a river or the ocean. Skipping stones. Fun in the sun. Summer. Popsicles, Ice cream treats. Birthday parties And cupcakes. Going to the movies. The drive-in theater. The zoo. Nap time. Riding bikes. Going to the park Catching bugs And toads. Watching the butterflies, And dragonflies. Mesmerized. Sunrises and sunsets. The moon and stars, And constellations. Laying on the ground And staring up At the clouds. And daydreaming. The county fair- Cotton candy And funnel cake. Kicking up dirt, Standing in long lines, Riding rides, And winning prizes. Then comes- A chill in the air. Leaves begin Changing colors. Pumpkin patches. Hayrides. Corn mazes. Candy apples. Warm apple cider. Then comes The first snow. And snow days. Making snowmen, Snow angels, And snow forts. Followed by Hot chocolate To warm up with When you’re done- The good- Old fashioned fun.
The magic Of being a kid- Is never truly lost. It’s only forgotten. It’s easy to take The little things For granted- Because you’ve Already been there. Done that. You grew up, And moved on. Maybe your life Feels too hectic To take the time To revisit And relive The simple magic That still exists In this world. You’re never too Old to get back To celebrating Life’s simplest, And littlest joys- That can revive Your spirit On the hard days, And during the hard times. Those little joys Used to be Your everything.
My wish for you-
If you were lucky enough To wake up today- Find some time To go out And chase your joy. Big or small. It’s not gone. I promise. And you’re never Too old To go out And relive The Happiness That can be found In life’s littlest, BIG things! That’s where the magic lives!
LET GO Of the guilt That shames you away From allowing Your body to heal.
LET GO Of the need To constantly be moving. It’s okay to rest And be still.
LET GO Of the push To always be busy In a culture That tells you- You must.
INSTEAD, Give yourself permission To pause and reflect- Away from Society’s rush.
Take in some deep breaths And push them all out To release, Reground, And reset.
Tune out And take time To recharge In the silence- How quickly We all forget.
Allow the warmth Of the sunshine To rest on your face As you slowly return To center. This sacred space Is where healing begins- Because the outside world Cannot enter.
Jumping all in- In the face of fear. Finding the courage To make friends with it Instead of retreating- And fleeing. Having faith without seeing. The excitement of what could be- Is undoubtably liberating. Even freeing. But- Fear of the unknown Can, in moments, Be paralyzing, Unsettling, And panic-inducing- Letting go of control And trusting in God And in yourself To figure it all out- Can feel overwhelming And at times- All-consuming.
Let go. Let God. Be intentional. Be faithful. Feed the thoughts That feed your future. And leave your fears to God. One step at a time. One deep breath At a time. Focus on making The next right decision. Keep following Your beautiful heart. For this is your moment. You have finally begun Your long-awaited Dream, mission, And the life you have envisioned.
I’m learning… What it is to have an Extreme duality of emotions In cancer survivorship. And that it’s okay To acknowledge and accept it Fully. Deeply. And honestly.
I am a breast cancer Survivor. I’m currently In remission- I have really great days- Where I feel confident, Positive. Hopeful. A small piece Of the carefree Light-hearted version of me. And yet- I still go through darkness. Really difficult times That feel extremely Isolating, depressing, And incredibly lonely.
I wouldn’t wish these days On anyone I love. It’s a very challenging Place to be. It feels like no one around me Really gets me- Not anymore. Not really. And I don’t want to drop the heavy On anyone around me. I’m happy they Don’t feel how I feel, But my spirit sure Longs for someone Who did- In these moments When I feel so sad and conflicted.
I feel guilty for feeling Ungrateful- When I know I should be thankful Because I’m still living- And I am- I feel both.
I’m beyond grateful – And I’m utterly heartbroken. I’m so angry- And I’m also glad. I’m so gracious for my body- For fighting And healing- And winning, so far- And I absolutely hate it. It makes me cry, And it makes me mad When I look in the mirror And remember What I used to have.
I’m learning Slowly. That it is completely okay To feel the extremes together- To grieve and to celebrate In the same conflicting breath. Because- As a cancer survivor- Every new day, Is another attempt To confront, sit with, and be okay With whatever this day’s Current emotion is.
Today is beautiful. Because I woke up Again. A new day. Another chance To live. To breathe. To feel my heart beat. Alive with love. And gratitude. Holding all the beauty Like golden treasures Of all our memories made- Together. … And the excitement That exists for all The memories Left for us to make. … I can’t wait.
The blue sky. The calm. The serene White, wispy brush strokes Of highlights Blending the white Into blue… The sun exploding In the east. Bright, bold And beautiful.
May this day Be filled with abundance And blessings For all of you!
Nestled in And snuggled up Basking in the peace, Blanketed within the glow Of the beautiful silence Just before dawn…
The early morning light Begins to rise… Ever so slowly Like a single flame Flickering gently- Growing and spreading Into an explosion of light and color Across the entire eastern skyline- God’s painting in real time- In the most profound And heartwarming way- Like a giant good morning hug Sent from the heavens Wrapped in sunshine And covered in love.
I woke up yesterday from a night of bad dreams, and the moment I opened my eyes, these words started pouring out of me and I knew I had to get them down in order to be able to let this go … for whatever it’s worth, these are my two cents…
The tough times Aren’t meant To break us. They’re meant to Shape and sculpt us Into who we are Becoming – The next level Of growth In who we are Meant to be.
The tears We shed Are meant to Humble us, And ground us. A reminder for us Of the kindness And compassion This world, And people Surrounding us- Need.
We’re all fighting Battles Or health issues Behind Closed doors Most people Never see.
These days, I would argue, Most of us Are often Disconnected,, Over-stimulated, Rarely present, And too busy To process and Heal from All the things That continue To make our Mind, body, And spirit Bleed… Including me.
The overwhelm. Our constant Hustle and bustle- Always moving. This world Is always in a hurry. We’re so busy Speeding through Our days From A to B To C to D to E. Just to get by. Just to provide- For our families. And then- Many of us Are struggling to sleep, And the hours of rest We actually get- Never feel like Enough- At least for me.
The mindless scrolling, Binge-watching, Numbing, vanity-driven Distractions Are carrying us all Further and further away From the true meaning Of this life And living- Daily. This frightening pattern Is slowly killing The very fabric That connects us. The deeper connection, And sense of community Is meant to support And protect us. As people- We are more divided, And more conflicted Than ever before- Slamming each other Online in comments Behind screens And closed doors Over disagreements… Disagreements- Over the muddied, Skewed and Extremely divided Waters of corrupt Media outlets and politics. This division Doesn’t suit us. It’s gutting us. Turning us Against one another. The hate Certainly won’t fix this. And I’ll be honest When I say, I don’t know What the answer is- But I do believe this-
We all need To pause, To reconnect With ourselves, To God, The universe, And our hearts. We need more time Out in nature. More peace, And quiet, More time to Think and breathe- To reflect, meditate And pray. To sit and listen To the silence. Allowing ourselves To reset And to just be… To be at ease- To listen to the breeze, Watching the birds Flutter, soar, And dance Across the sky, So effortlessly. It’s live poetry- In motion… To just sit still And watch the clouds Form and fade, Build up, roll in, And release Snow or rain, Or allow Warm sunshine To shine through The cracks And down Upon our face. The raw beauty, Of this world And the wildlife buzzing All around us Is a gift to behold. The awe-inspiring Magic of our earth. The power, the fragility, And true honor Of what it means To breathe, To be alive, To be alongside Our loved ones, To be present, And to feel heard.
We all want the same. We all want better- For ourselves, For our children, And grandchildren. For our country, And for each other. Let’s all do better- And be better- For the higher good.
The pure magic And beauty of this life And this world Is so profound And powerful, And suddenly Becomes exponentially More meaningful When a test or tests Call your current health Into question.
The sky, the clouds, The colors of the sunrise And sunset- The trees, the birds And majestic Colorado Snow-capped mountain tops. The open fields And still waters. If we just pause For a moment And ponder… Just how lucky are we To be surrounded By such magnificent beauty. I’m continually in awe Of nature’s tranquility. In times like this- The sheer beauty Just hits me- Differently.
Waking up each morning And getting to rise With the ones That you love. Getting to see them, And tell them good morning, And being able to Show them your love. And oh- The pure magic In their heartfelt, And comforting hugs. What a gift. What magic to behold. These simple treasures Make us far richer Than any amount Of gold.
I am over the moon Grateful For this life, For our family, And all of our friends. For our laughter, And every moment- Together. For our memories, Adventures, And light-hearted Shenanigans. For the gift Of this new day. For getting to Rise again- For this moment Right now, For the air I breathe, And for the strength Of my body Still carrying me- Forward. And onward. I am grateful!
To our beautiful son, Dason, Who wasn’t meant To stay here on earth… I will never forget you Or the day of your birth.
I honored your life By delivering you As if you were To be born alive. It was the only way I knew how to show you- Just how much love We held for you inside.
In times of great sorrow, You never cease to Surprise and amaze me- By showing up In the most beautiful And unexpected ways.
Today- I walked outside After a few days of Feeling somber And sad inside.
And the most Vibrant dragonfly Was laid to rest Right at my feet As if it had been Perfectly placed And was waiting there Just for me.
My tears were instant. A giant lump in my throat, My heart skipped a beat. I knew in that moment It was you. A giant hug from above A gift of grace And all the love And comfort I So desperately longed for.
I see you And feel your spirit Through your Heaven-sent signs And dragonfly eyes. I am endlessly grateful For you And I love you With all my heart And bigger than The whole sky.
Some battles Just aren’t worth All the tears that come.
Some might say That all these patterns Are too much For the eye to see… And I did- Because that was me.
Until I realized What the magnitude Of my words to her Might convey…
That she is Too much, Too bold, And too different For this world to see… And to please tone it down For all others, And for the pride Of the mother in me.
And that reflection Stopped me cold In my tracks And broke my heart for her. These patterns, All of these Beautiful flowers, And this outfit All of her own choosing Are NOT too much For this world And me to see.
Rather- They are A breath of fresh air. A palette of innocence, And pure and simple Happiness. This outfit Now makes my heart Smile with joy- For she is a force To be reckoned with. She is a beacon of light, Kindness, love, And quick wit. She is smart, bold, fierce, Creative, and beautiful, And dances to the beat Of her own drum… And I will no longer Tell her that her outfits Are too much For this world Or for me- Because her imagination, And her bright shining spirit Is everything This world and I both need.
My six-month breast cancer Check-up last Friday With my oncologist- Turned into seven because I forgot. I forgot to schedule it Because I was so busy living- And the forgetting, for me, Was a blessing… Because remembering – is a lot!
Before this day came, I was unbothered and untroubled. After all, this was just another normal Follow-up doctor’s appointment I needed to go to. But when I was pulling into The Harmony Cancer Center that day, My mood suddenly shifted. I felt a heaviness welling up inside my heart. I was taken aback. And these emotions Caught me completely off guard.
As I walked into the cancer center, I looked around at all the people present Waiting for their name to be called, As I patiently waited in line To be checked in for mine. Some wore hats To cover their balding heads from chemo. Some sat alone in silence Staring out the windows At the falling snow and gray skies. While others sat with their spouses And filled their waiting time With comforting words, Loving nudges and a bit of normalcy. Today, the cancer center was busy, And bustling.
I was a mixed bag Of so many different emotions… Bouncing, in real-time, From one right into the next. I stood trying to wrap my head around The complexity of all that I was feeling. And what I was feeling Felt heavy and intense.
I meandered around And found a chair that offered Bright colored landscapes on the wall In front of me to get lost in, And large windows close by To see the beautiful tree outside- That was somehow grounding. And something I found comfort in.
And I sat alone in silence, Sipping my hot coffee With honey and cinnamon- Reflecting, observing And remembering the journey That landed me in this space. The traumas still come back To haunt me from time to time. Like today. Coming back was a trigger I wasn’t prepared for in any way.
My grief is still present, Though not as often as it once was. And my sadness still lingers. Though most of it, I have chosen to let go of. But all that I felt was a reminder That I am still healing From all that I endured. That I am not done processing Everything I’ve been through. And I’m still hoping for one day, a cure. I’m healing slowly, but surely And that’s okay. Little bit by little bit, Over an extended time… Because healing never happens Overnight.
When my name was called, I stood tall and followed my nurse Like a robot going through the motions. Weight and height check- Followed by my vitals and questions Around depression and how I’m managing. Overall, I feel a sense of pride For getting through and to Where I’m at today. That said, I still have moments Where I struggle to accept My new normal as being okay.
After my nurse left, and as I sat waiting For my oncologist to arrive, I snapped this photo of myself Because it’s a moment To be celebrated. This was my high-five. I felt happy and grateful To still be here- To still be alive.
But when I look at This photo of myself, I see every emotion I was feeling And sitting with, Even though I thought I was hiding it. I see everything That tugged at my heart that day. I see happiness and inner peace. I see a deep sadness And a sense of unease. But I see immense gratitude- And a good attitude toward Being in remission– And I also see that I am not defined By one or the other. I see that I am all of them- Intertwined together… And a work-in-progress I will be– Forever.
Last night I stepped outside my norm and this is what came forward … along with a poem that came directly after. This is for any and all who need to hear the same.
“RELEASE”
Release the need For perfectionism. Let go of that Which cannot exist.
Instead- Color outside the lines With bold enthusiasm And lead with your love, Fire and grit.
Drop the comparisons. You are not them, And they are not you. Your journey is not theirs- Only yours is for you.
Live your life out loud With intention, And just be you. Reinvented you. Passionate you. Healing you. Unapologetically you. And be unafraid To let the world see The unmasked version Of you.
For you are beautiful. Just as you are- With every story, Every scar, Every facet, Every celebrated Imperfection. You are a force To be reckoned with.
Your truth Is your connection. It’s the red thread That unites us all Behind unspoken words. Speak up with courage. Your voice is your power And your story- Beckons to be heard.
Chase your joys. Follow your heart And be led by the things That ignite your light So deeply within.
For that IS Your purpose And a sign that The stars have aligned. That you are on your path- And your soul is ready To dive in.
Today is a gift In this very moment As you sit here now, Breathing, seeing, Feeling and being. This- is living. This- is the present.
Life is a treasure To behold, And to cherish. No day is perfect But every single one, Holds something within- A blessing or blessings To relish.
Let perfection go- And allow Your life To unfold In the most Beautiful ways- As you follow Your heart, And listen To that little Voice inside- Nudging, And guiding you. This- is your intuition And your guides Lighting the path, And realigning you.
Allow your light To shine For all those Around you To see and to feel. This- is the center Of your spirit. This- is love. The truest And purest, Most beautiful part of you.
Today is a gift. Celebrate it. Gratitude is Knocking On your door- Answer it. Life is a mirror Of what you choose To project. So, protect it. Choose your Words and your Thoughts wisely. And if something Within this day Doesn’t go your way- Let it. Change your lens, Find your peace, And accept it. Happiness is a choice. Remember that. New opportunities Are unfolding Before you- Open your heart And be willing to listen. Have faith And trust in it.
TANiELLE ART 