The Cancer Aftermath

Breast Cancer
Kicked me down-
From diagnosis
To doctors appointments,
To consultations-
And further testing.
From big surgeries
To healing and resting-
And then, just when
I was feeling strong again,
It kicked me back down-
And I laid lifeless
After my very last
Chemo round…
And when I thought
The worst was over,
It blindsided me,
And knocked me further-
Down to the ground…
And God brought me
To my knees.
Reaching for me.
Holding me,
And humbly
Reminding me
Of all the healing
I have left to do.
The emotions
That have pooled-
Of all that has happened.
I must now-
Begin to work thru.
My cancer days are
Behind me-
But in front of me
Lies a heavy blanket of grief-
The cancer aftermath-
The emotional rollercoaster.
The forever hangover,
And the reminders
That there are no do-overs.
The loss of what I once was-
Before cancer took
Those parts of me.
And the new reality
Of what now is…
The new ‘survivor’ me.
The traumas,
And inside wounds
I must now tend to.
My broken heart-
Just doesn’t hold
The same magic it used to.
My recovery is far from over.
There’s no end game.
No end date.
But the cancer is gone,
And life should be great.
Except that it’s not.
And that makes me
Feel guilty-
More times than not.
The future feels
Haunting,
Overwhelming,
And daunting.
It feels defeating,
Sorrowful,
And sad.
I feel angry,
And in moments-
Stark raving mad.
It’s hard to wrap
My head around-
The magnitude
Of all I’ve been through.
And no one around me
Understands the depth
Of anything I’m feeling
Or going through.
I’m just back to living
As if everything
I just went through
Wasn’t anything.
Except that it was…
And the sadness,
And mood swings,
And feelings
Are horribly isolating,
And deeply
Heartbreaking.
But I’m still here
Doing my best.
Reminding myself daily
That I’m blessed.
Because I am.
But underneath it all-
I’m still struggling.
More than I care to admit.
My life has forever changed
And I’m not convinced
That I’m better for it
Yet.

~Tanielle Childers ©️ 11.27.22