Poetry and Blogs by Tanielle

RUNNING … Another Passion of mine …

I Run for Sanity, Not Vanity – and in loving honor of our loved ones!

Growing up, I hated running – with a passion! Running around as a child always ended in wheezing and the need for my emergency inhaler in order to breathe normal again. Allergy and exercise induced asthma. No fun for anyone, but I felt lucky to have medicine to help me breathe when I couldn’t and panicky when an attack would come on and my inhaler wasn’t by my side.

Fast forward to age 36 and the year 2012. Married to my best friend and 2 kids under our belt! Our daughter, age 7 and son, age 4. August 9th of 2012 was our 19 week ultrasound to find out the gender of our 3rd surprise pregnancy. A difficult pregnancy from the start. We went as a family to our 19 week gender ultrasound ecstatic to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Instead, we learned our baby no longer had a heartbeat. There are no words for the heartache and emptiness that followed. I delivered our son, Dason, born sleeping on August 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm.

I felt completely and utterly shattered. I felt like a failure. My body failed to keep him alive. A week later I was told by my midwife at my post birth follow up appointment (at the same place I learned of our baby’s passing) – that my blood pressure was still too high. She went on to say that because of this, I would most likely have high blood pressure issues for the rest of my life. And the best way to get over a loss is to have another baby. Those words still burn me deeply inside. They felt cold and heartless and without much compassion for the pain that had torn my heart completely in two.

Her words ate me alive —- but she doesn’t define what my future holds for me —- and I was now on a mission to prove her wrong. Her biting words lit a fire inside me that still burns with drive inside me to this very day.

At 6 weeks post birth, I was cleared for exercise and I immediately jumped in with both feet and joined a boot camp with my friends to begin strength training. I needed to take back control of my life. These same ladies began inviting me to the track afterwards to “run”. I thought they were absolutely crazy for wanting to do this, but the exercise was helping me battle my postpartum depression, so I relented and tagged along. Their fantastic company is the only thing that kept me going to that track. This is how running found me at age 36. Or jog/walking rather. Let’s be honest.

Running found me at one of the hardest times in my life and after about 6-8 weeks of jog/walking, I accidentally and unintentionally fell head over heals in love with running! Jogging and still being able to breathe was something I had never known before. It felt like some kind of super power that I had somehow and miraculously unleashed! It was pure adrenaline!!! How does the saying go??….Never say never!

Running became my time to cry, my time to pray and my time to be with my unborn son in spirit. And boy did I feel his spirit all around me along with God … each day carrying me through the flames to a brighter and healthier life, one step at a time. Running made me a better mom. It helped me to battle my depression, my anxiety and my stress. Running became everything I needed to get me through life and the very last thing in this world I ever expected to love. I ran for sanity, not vanity and in honor of our son. When I ran, my heart beat for him.

Today, I run for all of my loved ones who are heaven sent and for all those I love who remain here. My loved ones are the wings that continue giving flight to my life carrying me onward, upward and through it.

I run for sanity, not vanity. I run with purpose and intention. And I run for my mental health most of all. Running makes me feel alive and balanced and grateful for this life. I started running at 36, and at 45, I can honestly say that running is one of the very best things that has ever happened to me. My unborn son’s life and death awakened me and I share my story for anyone else it might help along the way. We weren’t meant to journey alone.

Tomorrow, Sunday, September 19, 2021, my husband and I will be running the Fall Equinox Half Marathon down Poudre Canyon wearing these shirts proudly. Thinking of and running with our loved ones in spirit for 13.1 beautiful miles. I’m nervous, excited and grateful to have another chance to conquer this run (or at least survive it) … because we still can. Our hearts will beat for them! Wish us luck!!! 💜🙏🏼💜🏃‍♀️

“I Am”- Series

A ‘focus with intent’ body of work created to inspire, empower and invoke personal growth.

(Left to Right, Top to Bottom – “I Am Enough”, “I Am Passionate”, “I Am Healing”, “I Am Empowered”, “I Am Determined”, and “I Am Courageous”)

These 6 paintings are part of my “I AM” Series of acrylic works focusing with intent on positive self reinforcement words and the emotion behind the use of color and its impact. My hope is to empower and inspire change and acceptance within ourselves and celebrate the ‘human’ part of ourselves. We as humans are perfectly imperfect and a constant work in progress to better ourselves and learn from the lessons along the way.

What is one thing you would like to focus with intent on?

These original paintings 8×8 acrylic WILL BE AVAILABLE for purchase at this year’s Art in the Park at North Lake Park in Loveland, Colorado on Sat., Aug. 7th and Sun., Aug. 8th. at booth A-13. I will be there both days alongside my brother and my mom who each have their own art to show and sell. I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU THERE!

Dear Talin

16″ x 20″ acrylic on panel by Tanielle Childers © 2017

As our birthday nears,
I find myself
A little lost-
And
Quiet in my
Thoughts
Of remembering
YOU-
First learning of you.
Celebrating you.
Losing you.
Mourning you.

Differently-
This year.
But again-
Anyway.
And more-
These last few
Days.
But in reality-
Most likely…
Always.

Blindsided.
This-
Shadow grief…
Each time my mind
Sneaks-
Back to you,
This day.
Your day.
Our day.
And letting go…
But-
Not by my choice
My voice
Cracks,
My heart clenches-
Tightly.
I choke up.
Swallowing hard-
Trying to collect myself-
Politely.
Imploring it all to pass
But alas-
It arrives anyway-

My emotions
Pooling.
Welling up.
Sorrow spilling-
Lightly…
This releasing
Of you-
Once again.
Quietly.
Just
Feeling a little sad…
On this melancholy,
Pre-celebratory
Day.
My Mom’s birthday,
My birthday,
And the day
I miscarried
You
Naturally—
On July 7th
Back in 2017.
Happy almost birthday,
Sweet Talin!
I love you
ALWAYS.
I love you
DEEPLY.
I will love you
FOREVER…
Unconditionally-
And Completely.

I see you in the
Butterflies
That come
To say hello.
And in the hawks
Perched on landings
Or flying overhead
Watching over
Our family
Wherever we go-
I feel you in my heart
And with me
In spirit.
And I will-
Go on missing you
Forever,
But each year
Better.
And tomorrow
I’ll be celebrating
You and hope
Wherever you are,
That you hear it!

💜Mom

Nature meets Acrylic & Posca Markers

Miniature Tree Slices – Handpainted Art Magnets

Two of my favorite things … nature and bright, happy colors! I have a bag of mini tree rounds and when our 2 year old tells me it’s time to ‘paint’ or ‘cu-yer’ (color) – she does her coloring and I paint my mini slices into these. Today the magnets arrived and the hand-painted mini tree slices came to life as really cool little magnets. I may not have loads of time to paint these days – but I get in what I can…when I can! These colors make my heart smile! And 2 year olds are the best!

#followyourheart

Super Women

From all social media
She laid low
The life she lived
She took back
And made it her own
Again
No more show
And tell
She fell
Silent
To the world around her
Let solidarity and peace
Surround her
She was no longer
Bound to her
Need to please
Need for acceptance
Need to somehow
Prove her self worth
Now
She aimed to
Please herself by
Doing things
She knew might
Fill her heart
With joy and love
Her rising above
Society’s unrealistic
Expectations
Of what a woman
And mother
Should look like and be
We
Are human
And yes, we are
Super women
But not by
Society’s definition
We are
Perfectly imperfect
Just the way we are
In the now
With every one of
Our hard earned
Tiger stripes
And scars
And we are
Beautiful
In our every shape
And size
As our amazing bodies
Transform
Throughout our lives
I hereby declare
We are
Our own prize
Unobjectified
And we deserve
To respect
And love ourselves
For far more
Than just our outsides

—Tanielle Childers ©️ March 2021

Midnight Sky

There’s something magical-
About a midnight sky…
Blanketed by stars;
A million dancing little lights.

The soft glow of the crescent moon-
The silky haze of the Milky Way.
There’s something beautiful
In the thought-
That half of the world’s dreams
Will soon be underway.

There’s something peaceful-
About the cool midnight air.
A calming and soothing energy-
A time of gratitude, reflection,
And prayer.

There’s a spiritual shift-
When the bustling day
Finally winds down,
And transforms into night.
It’s the perfect time-
To wish upon a star…
To snuggle up close,
And tuck your loved ones in-
Just right.

There’s something magical
About a midnight sky…
Silent within our own thoughts,
And millions of prayers
Reaching up towards the heavens-
Each night.

There’s a magic-
Comforting us from way up high;
A twinkling beacon of hope-
Watching over this side of the world-
Until the next sun begins to rise-

Life is a gift!

-Tanielle Childers ©️ 1/19/21

18″ x 24″ acrylic on board © Tanielle Childers

I Despise — Depression.

DEPRESSION –
Calls EVERY thing
Into question.
It never arrives-
To teach us a lesson.

It’s unrelenting,
Unforgiving,
So belittling.

It thrives on
Self-oppression,
Self-aggression,
And self-demise —

I DESPISE —
Depression.
NO question.

Behind our eyes
And our smile,
There’s a darkness
That can hold us-
Captive.
Triggers make it
Reactive.
The impact it has – on
Our Spirit, our mood,
Our ability to interact —
We retract.
Silently, slyly, shyly.
Not wanting to be a burden-
Yet, so desperately
Wanting to be heard – ‘n
Struggling to find
Enough courage
To purge it — out loud.
Our urge is — Too proud-
To let it all come out.

Instead—
We tend to suffer alone –
Inside our own head.
Keeping it to ourselves-
Is what we do best.

I pray for the day
When the topic of
Our mental health
Isn’t so taboo—

When our pride and ego
Can take a backseat — to-
Our vulnerability,
And reaching out-
To help others through.

Alone,
We can do so little.
Together,
There is so much more
We can ALL do —
Better.

Speaking openly
About our struggles-
Allows others
To feel comfortable
Doing the same.
It’s high time — for change.

I DESPISE —
Depression.
No question!

And if you,
Or someone you know,
Suffers from
Depression, too?
Reach out-
Check in-
Let them know
How much you care-
Even if you may not
Understand —
It makes a difference
Just knowing you’re there.

-Tanielle Childers © Jan. 2020-




36″ x 24″ pastels © Tanielle Childers

To My Children –

To the best and most beautiful creations of my life

In such uncertain times, with the fires consuming our beautiful state of Colorado, with Covid #s rising again and with the looming presidential election upon us creating so much negativity and divisiveness….these life moments feel more fleeting to me than ever before!

Our time here is but a blink and so are these precious moments with our children and loved ones – which I’ve been guilty of taking for granted time and time again. I want nothing more than to comfort my children and reassure them of more certain times ahead, not really knowing what that looks or feels like. I feel helpless in so many ways as a mom. I’m doing my best, but have I done enough??? That question keeps me up at night! My kids are 16, 12 and 18 months. I lie next to our youngest at night, watching her sleep … and wish I could go back in time and spend more time with my older 2 doing the same…..these moments are truly life’s greatest treasure.

Art has had to take a back seat (and I miss it terribly), but I still have time to write poetry as I lie in bed with a mind that refuses to rest … this poem came to me the other night and would not leave me until I wrote (texted) it down in a message to myself … and then to our oldest 2. It’s so important to always let them know how you feel and to say it often because you just never know what tomorrow holds.

To my children – the best and most beautiful creations of my lifetime:

If I could…
I’d hug you tight.
I’d snuggle and cuddle you
Through the night.

I’d comfort you-
And hold you close.
I’d rub your face,
And kiss your nose.

I’d bring you peace,
And let you rest.
I’d pause the world-
And take your stress.

I’d make your every
Dream come true.
I’d squeeze your hand-
And celebrate you!

I’d remind you
Of all the wonderful ways-
You brighten my world
On the darkest of days.

I’d look into
Your beautiful eyes-
And tell you, “I love you!”
A hundred more times.

I’d hug you close-
And never let go.
I’d freeze the moments
And never grow old.

If I could…
Go back in time,
I’d spend more hours
With your hand in mine.

I’d play with you,
And sing with you.
I’d dance the whole night
Through with you.

We’d walk and talk
And stare up at the sky,
And watch the clouds
And world go by.

We’d wish upon
Every twinkling star-
Soaking in every moment
Right where we are.

We’d giggle and laugh
The whole day through-
Telling dad jokes & bad jokes,
And mom jokes, too.

If I could…
Go back in time-
I’d make more moments
For your heart and mine.

I love you more than
All the stars that shine.
I’m your biggest fan & I’ll always-
Carry your heart in mine.

I will love you forever
And always…
I will be proud of you forever
In ALL ways!

I 💜 you most,

-Mom

I Am Becoming

Letting go
Of all the things
No longer serving me.
Poor excuses,
Self Pity,
And self image negativity.
I am UNbecoming
The loudest critic
Deep within me.

A new decade.
A new year.
New Self-love and respect
For everything
My body has done for me.
Feeling immense gratitude
For every gift
God has laid out before me,
And for every moment in difficult times,
Where His light and grace
Have carried me.

Actions
Speak louder than words-
My body is healed.
And I am ready… Finally!
Body, mind and soul,
Are you listening?
There will be days
Where I’m up before dawn
Rebuilding
Re-instilling
And Reigniting
The fighting spirit inside me.
Regaining my strength,
Endurance,
And ability-
One step at a time
Toward the future me I see.
Removing the inner chaos
And making way-
For mental peace and clarity.
Re-grounding my spirit,
And doing my best
To love myself fairly.
Opening my heart,
And listening carefully.
Being present more often
For our beautiful,
And growing family.

Focusing
With intention,
Purpose, fortitude,
Patience and positivity.
Our children are watching
How I navigate and tackle
Every obstacle-
Life places in front of me.
I am becoming,
And overcoming daily.
Relentlessly.
And nothing will stop me.
Nothing.
I AM BECOMING.

     -Tanielle Childers © 2020

A Beautiful Shade of Broken

36″x36″ acrylic on canvas by Tanielle Childers © 2018

She is complex.
She is a survivor.
She can adapt-
Like a fish out of water.

She is fierce.
She is a fighter.
She has the heart of a lion;
The stripes of a tiger.

She swims through her sorrows.
She finds grace through her tears.
She carries life lessons
As wisdom through her years.

While her spirit is mending,
She is quiet and soft-spoken.
She becomes a rainbow after the storm.
She is a beautiful shade of broken.


Tanielle Childers © 2018