The pure magic And beauty of this life And this world Is so profound And powerful, And suddenly Becomes exponentially More meaningful When a test or tests Call your current health Into question.
The sky, the clouds, The colors of the sunrise And sunset- The trees, the birds And majestic Colorado Snow-capped mountain tops. The open fields And still waters. If we just pause For a moment And ponder… Just how lucky are we To be surrounded By such magnificent beauty. I’m continually in awe Of nature’s tranquility. In times like this- The sheer beauty Just hits me- Differently.
Waking up each morning And getting to rise With the ones That you love. Getting to see them, And tell them good morning, And being able to Show them your love. And oh- The pure magic In their heartfelt, And comforting hugs. What a gift. What magic to behold. These simple treasures Make us far richer Than any amount Of gold.
I am over the moon Grateful For this life, For our family, And all of our friends. For our laughter, And every moment- Together. For our memories, Adventures, And light-hearted Shenanigans. For the gift Of this new day. For getting to Rise again- For this moment Right now, For the air I breathe, And for the strength Of my body Still carrying me- Forward. And onward. I am grateful!
Some battles Just aren’t worth All the tears that come.
Some might say That all these patterns Are too much For the eye to see… And I did- Because that was me.
Until I realized What the magnitude Of my words to her Might convey…
That she is Too much, Too bold, And too different For this world to see… And to please tone it down For all others, And for the pride Of the mother in me.
And that reflection Stopped me cold In my tracks And broke my heart for her. These patterns, All of these Beautiful flowers, And this outfit All of her own choosing Are NOT too much For this world And me to see.
Rather- They are A breath of fresh air. A palette of innocence, And pure and simple Happiness. This outfit Now makes my heart Smile with joy- For she is a force To be reckoned with. She is a beacon of light, Kindness, love, And quick wit. She is smart, bold, fierce, Creative, and beautiful, And dances to the beat Of her own drum… And I will no longer Tell her that her outfits Are too much For this world Or for me- Because her imagination, And her bright shining spirit Is everything This world and I both need.
My six-month breast cancer Check-up last Friday With my oncologist- Turned into seven because I forgot. I forgot to schedule it Because I was so busy living- And the forgetting, for me, Was a blessing… Because remembering – is a lot!
Before this day came, I was unbothered and untroubled. After all, this was just another normal Follow-up doctor’s appointment I needed to go to. But when I was pulling into The Harmony Cancer Center that day, My mood suddenly shifted. I felt a heaviness welling up inside my heart. I was taken aback. And these emotions Caught me completely off guard.
As I walked into the cancer center, I looked around at all the people present Waiting for their name to be called, As I patiently waited in line To be checked in for mine. Some wore hats To cover their balding heads from chemo. Some sat alone in silence Staring out the windows At the falling snow and gray skies. While others sat with their spouses And filled their waiting time With comforting words, Loving nudges and a bit of normalcy. Today, the cancer center was busy, And bustling.
I was a mixed bag Of so many different emotions… Bouncing, in real-time, From one right into the next. I stood trying to wrap my head around The complexity of all that I was feeling. And what I was feeling Felt heavy and intense.
I meandered around And found a chair that offered Bright colored landscapes on the wall In front of me to get lost in, And large windows close by To see the beautiful tree outside- That was somehow grounding. And something I found comfort in.
And I sat alone in silence, Sipping my hot coffee With honey and cinnamon- Reflecting, observing And remembering the journey That landed me in this space. The traumas still come back To haunt me from time to time. Like today. Coming back was a trigger I wasn’t prepared for in any way.
My grief is still present, Though not as often as it once was. And my sadness still lingers. Though most of it, I have chosen to let go of. But all that I felt was a reminder That I am still healing From all that I endured. That I am not done processing Everything I’ve been through. And I’m still hoping for one day, a cure. I’m healing slowly, but surely And that’s okay. Little bit by little bit, Over an extended time… Because healing never happens Overnight.
When my name was called, I stood tall and followed my nurse Like a robot going through the motions. Weight and height check- Followed by my vitals and questions Around depression and how I’m managing. Overall, I feel a sense of pride For getting through and to Where I’m at today. That said, I still have moments Where I struggle to accept My new normal as being okay.
After my nurse left, and as I sat waiting For my oncologist to arrive, I snapped this photo of myself Because it’s a moment To be celebrated. This was my high-five. I felt happy and grateful To still be here- To still be alive.
But when I look at This photo of myself, I see every emotion I was feeling And sitting with, Even though I thought I was hiding it. I see everything That tugged at my heart that day. I see happiness and inner peace. I see a deep sadness And a sense of unease. But I see immense gratitude- And a good attitude toward Being in remission– And I also see that I am not defined By one or the other. I see that I am all of them- Intertwined together… And a work-in-progress I will be– Forever.
Last night I stepped outside my norm and this is what came forward … along with a poem that came directly after. This is for any and all who need to hear the same.
“RELEASE”
Release the need For perfectionism. Let go of that Which cannot exist.
Instead- Color outside the lines With bold enthusiasm And lead with your love, Fire and grit.
Drop the comparisons. You are not them, And they are not you. Your journey is not theirs- And yours is for you.
Live your life out loud With intention, And just be you. Reinvented you. Passionate you. Healing you. Unapologetically you. And be unafraid To let the world see The unmasked version Of you.
For you are beautiful. Just as you are- With every story, Every scar, Every facet, Every celebrated Imperfection. You are a force To be reckoned with.
Your truth Is your connection. It’s the red thread That unites us all Behind unspoken words. Speak up with courage. Your voice is your power And your story- Beckons to be heard.
Chase your joys. Follow your heart And be led by the things That ignite your light So deeply within.
For that IS Your purpose And a sign that The stars have aligned. That you are on your path- And your soul is ready To dive in.
I’m so proud of you For getting through Every hardship, Every battle, And every struggle That came from Every difficult storm You walked through.
I’m so proud of you For every part Of grief you Overcame. For moving through Every feeling You felt, For allowing Your heart to cry- As you Stoically, Quietly, Or powerfully, And painfully Wept.
I’m so proud- That when the timing Was just right for you, You chose To finally Let it all go. Let go of your pain, And suffering, The anger, And sorrow, And everything That no longer Served you- And in the same breath You decided To step outside of Your comfort zone. And you chose Joy and happiness. You chose to rise, and To spread your wings, In order to grow, And glow Into the new, Courageous, Powerful and Radiant YOU.
Shine your light bright For the whole wide world To see- And to feel. Choose to Love yourself A whole lot more, And a whole lot better… Please promise me You will. Please offer yourself Forgiveness, And allow yourself More grace- With even more space For love, compassion, And patience… For doing your best. For who you are And where you are- Right now At this very moment, And in this place. Because- You and I both know That this life isn’t easy! And I just wanted you to know- That I think you’re doing great!
It’s been a rough stretch- Mentally. I draw in a deep breath- As I feel the clouds Begin to lift. This darkness- Has felt so heavy. This grieving- Of who I was before- Cancer. And struggling To accept myself Unconditionally, As I am now- After. So much was lost, And I was happy With who I was. And I don’t yet see Anything That has been gained- Out of who I have become. If I’m being honest, Breast cancer Has made me feel Less like a woman, Weaker as a person, And so much more Sadness as a human. I would not wish this On anyone. I have been Profoundly humbled By my life journey. I understand The fragility of life, And the importance Of moments spent Both happy And hurting. I struggle to understand The purpose behind All that has been taken- And I would be lying If I said There weren’t moments Where I have felt Like I have been Forsaken. But I will forge ahead For my family- And do my best To hold my head high. And I will do so With as much strength And hope As I can find- Cancer has taken So much from me- But I will never Give it the power To define- The rest of my lifetime.
May life’s littlest joys Make you smile in the moment- May you find time today To pause and take in The beauty all around you. May you feel peace and gratitude For simply being present. And for every blessing That comforts, calms, And re-grounds you.
It’s crazy how fast The past Can come flooding Right back… All the memories Of yesteryears And always wishing You could still be here. I remember your smile And all the ways You made me laugh- All the years Remind me of how long You’ve been gone But my heart still Doesn’t know the math.
Little lights flickering- Like fireflies In the distance. The sun- Slowly tucking the end Of this wondrous day- in.
I draw in a deep breath- And then release it, I close my eyes- To pause and reflect. And to rest- Just beneath it.
There’s a powerful Energy that breathes Within the flowers, trees And natural grasses-
They weave color and life Across the earth’s landscape- With such joyous delight- For the masses.
Dancing and swaying In the breeze- With beauty and grace, And shaking leaves- In untethered, And unfurled excitement.
Drinking in The warmth of the Glorious sun, And newly fallen rain- Relaxed and calm, and still. And basking in the glory Of pure enlightenment.
The serenading sunrises And sunsets Where sweeping pastels Paint the sky- Alive.
Dandelions Making wishes And planting Seeds of hope For brighter tomorrows- A thousand times-
Gliding high- With the wind… In an effort to Spread their magic And a legacy- Forever to be Remembered by.
Twinkling lights- And the subtle moon glow- Our calming, Heavenly night light- Blanketing the earth- With its falling stars, And the sweetest dreams- Trickling down to all- Who still believe… In the magic.
Dedicated to my kids … because life is never easy – and not without change. And because I want to make sure I pour my heart out in its entirety while I’m still here….And I want my words to continue speaking to their hearts long after I’m gone. 💛
“You CAN Overcome Anything”
The truth is You CAN handle Whatever comes your way- No matter how big Or how hard- The life change. You don’t handle Everything all at once- Or all in one day. You handle it In baby steps, And long, deep breaths. You handle it- Moment by moment. Just make the next Right decision- And do your best. Sometimes- You handle it- With tears and talks And late night texts. You handle it- With lots of hugs, And I love yous. You handle it- With naps and walks, Movies, ice cream, Self-care, laughing, Praying and gratitude. You handle it- With those Who have your back- At every turn. Just keep going… Lean into the change- And always- Learn. You handle it- Little bit by little bit. And as you begin To adjust to the changes- You can gradually Let go of the heaviness- Or the overbearing weight of it. And even if you never Fully get over it- You CAN get through it. You ARE strong enough. You ARE capable. And I believe- With all of my heart- That you CAN do it. I love you- With everything That I am- And for as long As I am able to… I promise To hold your heart- And love you Through it- No matter what. You are capable And strong enough- To get through- And overcome The hard stuff.
I’m searching High and low- For the rainbow In my new normal. Crying, praying, Pondering, And wavering Between hope And hopeless. Between faith And why this? Feeling all the weight, and strain, And bulk of this- New world I’m staring into. A long road ahead Of healing, And reeling, And struggling To stand tall, And strong again. I feel like I’m fighting Against the wind. But I always fight To win. I’m weakened, And I’ve been Hit hard By chemo treatment. My daily struggles Are no secret. My dignity Has taken a big hit. And I’m right in The thick of it. Hair loss, weight gain, Stiff, painful muscles, Twitching, sensitive eyes, And Menopause – Overnight. Tissue expanders, And fluid retention. I’m down at the bottom Begging for redemption. Breast Cancer Is a disease and a terrible life infection A life changing direction, With deepened introspection Of who and what I am at my core Because everything That once was- Is nothing like It was – before. I must do Everything Within my power To find the rainbow After this storm. I must set my ego aside And find the light In my new life- My new norm. For there is beauty To be found In every life cycle And in every living form.
I am so very grateful for this beautiful life. For the brilliant sunsets, and the early morning sunrise. For the epic Colorado blue skies, that transition poetically into night.
For the moon that glows, the twinkling stars that shine, and for the afterglow of the moon- burning brightly into our daytime…
For the storm clouds that rise to the heavens- or gently roll through. For the pitter-patter of rain when it drops- For all of our life memories, and my loving thoughts of you.
For the snow when it falls, and the intricate wonder of snow flakes. For snuggling next to you- when I’m cold. And waking beside you- when the light of the early morning day, breaks.
For the sweet morning bird songs, that sing of spring and rebirth. For your comforting hugs when the sting of this life- hurts worst.
For the soothing sound- of your deep voice that calms, and relaxes my worry. For the quiet moments spent with you. When life pauses, and we let go of the hurry.
For your tender, loving kisses, and I love you’s. For our barefoot, mountain wedding, our custom vows, and I do’s.
For paddleboarding side by side in the hot summer sun. For camping, hiking, night fires, and outdoor family fun.
For jogging alongside me with our littlest in tow. I love and adore every moment with you, and I love you more than you’ll ever know.
I am so very grateful- for this beautiful life. For all of our family and friends, our children, and for you- right by my side.
Beautiful scars on both sides of my heart. Proof that I will do anything, and everything- to stay right where you are.
My family and friends are my world. These life moments are like gold. Removing my breast cancer is my act of intention towards my will for growing old.
A major life-changing, life-saving decision. A skin-sparing, double mastectomy. Letting go of all that is no longer best for me.
I haven’t lost anything! I’ve gained my life, and more minutes. I’m well on my way- to a cancer-free me. I am blessed. I am humble, and I am in this to win it.
Beautiful scars- on both sides of my heart, tell a bigger life story of survival, revival, God’s amazing grace, and His everlasting glory.
DEPRESSION – Calls EVERY thing Into question. It never arrives- To teach us a lesson.
It’s unrelenting, Unforgiving, So belittling.
It thrives on Self-oppression, Self-aggression, And self-demise —
I DESPISE — Depression. NO question.
Behind our eyes And our smile, There’s a darkness That can hold us- Captive. Triggers make it Reactive. The impact it has – on Our Spirit, our mood, Our ability to interact — We retract. Silently, slyly, shyly. Not wanting to be a burden- Yet, so desperately Wanting to be heard – ‘n Struggling to find Enough courage To purge it — out loud. Our urge is — Too proud- To let it all come out.
Instead— We tend to suffer alone – Inside our own head. Keeping it to ourselves- Is what we do best.
I pray for the day When the topic of Our mental health Isn’t so taboo—
When our pride and ego Can take a backseat — to- Our vulnerability, And reaching out- To help others through.
Alone, We can do so little. Together, There is so much more We can ALL do — Better.
Speaking openly About our struggles- Allows others To feel comfortable Doing the same. It’s high time — for change.
I DESPISE — Depression. No question!
And if you, Or someone you know, Suffers from Depression, too? Reach out- Check in- Let them know How much you care- Even if you may not Understand — It makes a difference Just knowing you’re there.
dreamer | artist | painter | poet 