I’m learning… What it is to have an Extreme duality of emotions In cancer survivorship. And that it’s okay To acknowledge and accept it Fully. Deeply. And honestly.
I am a breast cancer Survivor. I’m currently In remission- I have really great days- Where I feel confident, Positive. Hopeful. A small piece Of the carefree Light-hearted version of me. And yet- I still go through darkness. Really difficult times That feel extremely Isolating, depressing, And incredibly lonely.
I wouldn’t wish these days On anyone I love. It’s a very challenging Place to be. It feels like no one around me Really gets me- Not anymore. Not really. And I don’t want to drop the heavy On anyone around me. I’m happy they Don’t feel how I feel, But my spirit sure Longs for someone Who did- In these moments When I feel so sad and conflicted.
I feel guilty for feeling Ungrateful- When I know I should be thankful Because I’m still living- And I am- I feel both.
I’m beyond grateful – And I’m utterly heartbroken. I’m so angry- And I’m also glad. I’m so gracious for my body- For fighting And healing- And winning, so far- And I absolutely hate it. It makes me cry, And it makes me mad When I look in the mirror And remember What I used to have.
I’m learning Slowly. That it is completely okay To feel the extremes together- To grieve and to celebrate In the same conflicting breath. Because- As a cancer survivor- Every new day, Is another attempt To confront, sit with, and be okay With whatever this day’s Current emotion is.
My six-month breast cancer Check-up last Friday With my oncologist- Turned into seven because I forgot. I forgot to schedule it Because I was so busy living- And the forgetting, for me, Was a blessing… Because remembering – is a lot!
Before this day came, I was unbothered and untroubled. After all, this was just another normal Follow-up doctor’s appointment I needed to go to. But when I was pulling into The Harmony Cancer Center that day, My mood suddenly shifted. I felt a heaviness welling up inside my heart. I was taken aback. And these emotions Caught me completely off guard.
As I walked into the cancer center, I looked around at all the people present Waiting for their name to be called, As I patiently waited in line To be checked in for mine. Some wore hats To cover their balding heads from chemo. Some sat alone in silence Staring out the windows At the falling snow and gray skies. While others sat with their spouses And filled their waiting time With comforting words, Loving nudges and a bit of normalcy. Today, the cancer center was busy, And bustling.
I was a mixed bag Of so many different emotions… Bouncing, in real-time, From one right into the next. I stood trying to wrap my head around The complexity of all that I was feeling. And what I was feeling Felt heavy and intense.
I meandered around And found a chair that offered Bright colored landscapes on the wall In front of me to get lost in, And large windows close by To see the beautiful tree outside- That was somehow grounding. And something I found comfort in.
And I sat alone in silence, Sipping my hot coffee With honey and cinnamon- Reflecting, observing And remembering the journey That landed me in this space. The traumas still come back To haunt me from time to time. Like today. Coming back was a trigger I wasn’t prepared for in any way.
My grief is still present, Though not as often as it once was. And my sadness still lingers. Though most of it, I have chosen to let go of. But all that I felt was a reminder That I am still healing From all that I endured. That I am not done processing Everything I’ve been through. And I’m still hoping for one day, a cure. I’m healing slowly, but surely And that’s okay. Little bit by little bit, Over an extended time… Because healing never happens Overnight.
When my name was called, I stood tall and followed my nurse Like a robot going through the motions. Weight and height check- Followed by my vitals and questions Around depression and how I’m managing. Overall, I feel a sense of pride For getting through and to Where I’m at today. That said, I still have moments Where I struggle to accept My new normal as being okay.
After my nurse left, and as I sat waiting For my oncologist to arrive, I snapped this photo of myself Because it’s a moment To be celebrated. This was my high-five. I felt happy and grateful To still be here- To still be alive.
But when I look at This photo of myself, I see every emotion I was feeling And sitting with, Even though I thought I was hiding it. I see everything That tugged at my heart that day. I see happiness and inner peace. I see a deep sadness And a sense of unease. But I see immense gratitude- And a good attitude toward Being in remission– And I also see that I am not defined By one or the other. I see that I am all of them- Intertwined together… And a work-in-progress I will be– Forever.
Last night I stepped outside my norm and this is what came forward … along with a poem that came directly after. This is for any and all who need to hear the same.
“RELEASE”
Release the need For perfectionism. Let go of that Which cannot exist.
Instead- Color outside the lines With bold enthusiasm And lead with your love, Fire and grit.
Drop the comparisons. You are not them, And they are not you. Your journey is not theirs- Only yours is for you.
Live your life out loud With intention, And just be you. Reinvented you. Passionate you. Healing you. Unapologetically you. And be unafraid To let the world see The unmasked version Of you.
For you are beautiful. Just as you are- With every story, Every scar, Every facet, Every celebrated Imperfection. You are a force To be reckoned with.
Your truth Is your connection. It’s the red thread That unites us all Behind unspoken words. Speak up with courage. Your voice is your power And your story- Beckons to be heard.
Chase your joys. Follow your heart And be led by the things That ignite your light So deeply within.
For that IS Your purpose And a sign that The stars have aligned. That you are on your path- And your soul is ready To dive in.
I’m so proud of you For getting through Every hardship, Every battle, And every struggle That came from Every difficult storm You walked through.
I’m so proud of you For every part Of grief you Overcame. For moving through Every feeling You felt, For allowing Your heart to cry- As you Stoically, Quietly, Or powerfully, And painfully Wept.
I’m so proud- That when the timing Was just right for you, You chose To finally Let it all go. Let go of your pain, And suffering, The anger, And sorrow, And everything That no longer Served you- And in the same breath You decided To step outside of Your comfort zone. And you chose Joy and happiness. You chose to rise, and To spread your wings, In order to grow, And glow Into the new, Courageous, Powerful and Radiant YOU.
Shine your light bright For the whole wide world To see- And to feel. Choose to Love yourself A whole lot more, And a whole lot better… Please promise me You will. Please offer yourself Forgiveness, And allow yourself More grace- With even more space For love, compassion, And patience… For doing your best. For who you are And where you are- Right now At this very moment, And in this place. Because- You and I both know That this life isn’t easy! And I just wanted you to know- That I think you’re doing great!
It’s been a rough stretch- Mentally. I draw in a deep breath- As I feel the clouds Begin to lift. This darkness- Has felt so heavy. This grieving- Of who I was before- Cancer. And struggling To accept myself Unconditionally, As I am now- After. So much was lost, And I was happy With who I was. And I don’t yet see Anything That has been gained- Out of who I have become. If I’m being honest, Breast cancer Has made me feel Less like a woman, Weaker as a person, And so much more Sadness as a human. I would not wish this On anyone. I have been Profoundly humbled By my life journey. I understand The fragility of life, And the importance Of moments spent Both happy And hurting. I struggle to understand The purpose behind All that has been taken- And I would be lying If I said There weren’t moments Where I have felt Like I have been Forsaken. But I will forge ahead For my family- And do my best To hold my head high. And I will do so With as much strength And hope As I can find- Cancer has taken So much from me- But I will never Give it the power To define- The rest of my lifetime.
My belief is that God doesn’t Bring us to the fire- To watch us Go down in flames.
And He doesn’t Ship us out to sea To look on- As we’re swallowed By the giant waves.
And He doesn’t Send us into the eye Of any storm To punish us In such a way That we shall Never again- See the light of day.
My belief is that God brings us To the fire- To watch us grow Until that spark ignites. To look on As our potential Grows higher And higher, And to help us, To shine our new light.
And He ships us Out to sea So we can learn To navigate Uncharted waters, And gain new strength As we learn how to swim. And when we grow Tired and weary, He wants to remind us To go back to Seeking and Believing in Him.
And He sends us Into and through The eye of a storm To show us Our true character And what we’re made of. For us to prove To ourselves That we can be more Than we ever thought We could be- Despite the toughest Battles that fall At our feet.
He sees us- And knows our potential. He challenges us And believes in us Wholeheartedly- And in our ability To overcome Any obstacle We are faced with, In this life, All the way through- To the end.
And He looks on Lovingly As we rise up Again and again. Out of the fire- Out of the water- And on the other side Of every storm- As a better human With a bigger heart, More compassion, Understanding, And a lot less thorns.
I’ve grown To understand- There is great power In acceptance. By surrendering To your current reality, You free up Enormous space & energy. Stop fighting- A losing battle. Choose to rise up, And light- A brand new candle. Open your heart And your mind Toward new, Forward movement, And opportunities. This eye-opening Realization Will become- Your blossoming, Your purpose, Your new identity. It’s time to surrender, And finally let go- Of your anger, Bitterness, And sorrow. For holding on- Will only hold off Tomorrow. And fighting it Will only- Keep you stuck In your same old, Broken tracks. Pray for the courage To move on- In faith, and hope And for new possibilities. For the time has come- For you to take Your power back.
That moment when Your tired mind Can suddenly see- The world, And your current situation Through a completely Different lens.
That moment when- Your mind shifts, The clouds lift, And the sun comes out Welcoming you back home To your happiness- Right where you belong.
That moment when- The right words are spoken, And your world suddenly realigns, And begins To make some sort of sense – again. After having been in the dark For far too long.
That moment when- Gratitude sneaks back in, And kisses you Softly on the cheek. And you smile in return- From the inside, out- Remembering Just how sweet The littlest things in life Can be.
Life is An ebb and flow- Of change And letting go. A rearranging- Of old routines And goodbyes From what You used to know. And this- You MUST do In order to welcome The new you. You must Brace yourself- To embrace Your changed life, To see it all In a new light- In preparation For this new chapter, And a changing Of the tides… And you might find- That you admire The stronger you More than- You could have Ever imagined. I know that’s A tough realization To try and fathom… And that’s not to say- There won’t be days Where you miss The old you, And what used to be- See… We are human, And we seek comfort In the familiar. We love to reminisce In the days when we- Remember… Happiness, bliss, And laughter. We wish We could hold onto The precious moments We’ve captured- With our loved ones And friends. But this BIG life change Isn’t the end. We must find the courage To reinvent ourselves And our lives, And be willing to let go Of old familiarities- For growth happens When we refuse To give up so easily. We must strive To find and feel Adventure And excitement- In this newness. Taking in And feeling grateful for- Each moment And everything We’ve been blessed with. Change is so- HARD. Incredibly hard! Believe me, I get this. But if you can Learn to begin again… Your end Can blossom- Into something beautiful, Magical and meaningful. The end Of one chapter- Might just be The beginning Of a different kind of Happily ever after… Just keep going!
Dedicated to my kids … because life is never easy – and not without change. And because I want to make sure I pour my heart out in its entirety while I’m still here….And I want my words to continue speaking to their hearts long after I’m gone. 💛
“You CAN Overcome Anything”
The truth is You CAN handle Whatever comes your way- No matter how big Or how hard- The life change. You don’t handle Everything all at once- Or all in one day. You handle it In baby steps, And long, deep breaths. You handle it- Moment by moment. Just make the next Right decision- And do your best. Sometimes- You handle it- With tears and talks And late night texts. You handle it- With lots of hugs, And I love yous. You handle it- With naps and walks, Movies, ice cream, Self-care, laughing, Praying and gratitude. You handle it- With those Who have your back- At every turn. Just keep going… Lean into the change- And always- Learn. You handle it- Little bit by little bit. And as you begin To adjust to the changes- You can gradually Let go of the heaviness- Or the overbearing weight of it. And even if you never Fully get over it- You CAN get through it. You ARE strong enough. You ARE capable. And I believe- With all of my heart- That you CAN do it. I love you- With everything That I am- And for as long As I am able to… I promise To hold your heart- And love you Through it- No matter what. You are capable And strong enough- To get through- And overcome The hard stuff.
I cried for you- I held you close. I felt your spirit tremble. I was sorry for everything You were up against- But I also knew It wasn’t anything You couldn’t handle…
Breast Cancer came And stripped me Of my identity.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling- Mentally.
I am still reeling From all I went through Physically…
And still healing From the cancer aftermath Intricacies. It’s tricky.
There’s just so much I feel like I have lost from this…
And yet, in the same breath, I’m incredibly grateful To everyone who was there And got me through it…
But I’m grieving Everything I used to be- Half of my self-image Was ripped from me.
My beautiful hair Came out in clumps. My eyelashes disappeared. And the most feminine parts Of me were stripped away. It’s hard to feel like yourself again when Everything has changed.
My hair is growing back in, Ever so slowly, But strangely. When I look In the mirror now, I hardly recognize the person Standing in front of me.
I look deeply into the eyes Staring back at me- The same eyes I have looked into, And out from My entire life…
And I see so much sadness In that little girl, My inner child, Hidden away Behind those walls Deep down inside of me.
I want her to know That I’m so proud Of everything She’s overcome. I want her to know- She’s beautiful No matter what This life has done.
And even if She no longer Sees it within herself, She has way too much Life left to live To put herself Up on that shelf.
I want her to keep fighting And growing- Through her own inner turmoil- I want her to know that Some of life’s most beautiful Things sprout up from A single seed and lots of soil.
I want her to stop building A fortress to keep the world out- Instead, I want her to feel and pour Her beautiful broken heart out.
I want her spirit to soften Instead of growing bitter. I want her to feel loved In spite of her scars and her flaws- For they will only make her better.
I want her to feel powerful In spite of her weakest moments. And I want her to Spread her wings and fly again… And release All the pain she tends To hide the closest.
I want her to see and feel The magic of this world again. And I want her to know That this battle Isn’t where her precious life ends… It’s where her beautful New chapter begins…
I’m searching High and low- For the rainbow In my new normal. Crying, praying, Pondering, And wavering Between hope And hopeless. Between faith And why this? Feeling all the weight, and strain, And bulk of this- New world I’m staring into. A long road ahead Of healing, And reeling, And struggling To stand tall, And strong again. I feel like I’m fighting Against the wind. But I always fight To win. I’m weakened, And I’ve been Hit hard By chemo treatment. My daily struggles Are no secret. My dignity Has taken a big hit. And I’m right in The thick of it. Hair loss, weight gain, Stiff, painful muscles, Twitching, sensitive eyes, And Menopause – Overnight. Tissue expanders, And fluid retention. I’m down at the bottom Begging for redemption. Breast Cancer Is a disease and a terrible life infection A life changing direction, With deepened introspection Of who and what I am at my core Because everything That once was- Is nothing like It was – before. I must do Everything Within my power To find the rainbow After this storm. I must set my ego aside And find the light In my new life- My new norm. For there is beauty To be found In every life cycle And in every living form.
Breast Cancer I am 1 in 8. Blinded by the diagnosis, and still coming to terms with accepting this as my fate.
I could ask, “Why me?”, and go to a sad, dark place quite easily. But that is a question- that will never be answered. And staying there would rob me of my power- Indefinitely.
Instead- I choose positivity. I choose hope. I choose faith. I choose humor. I choose to find the things that make me feel happy, rather than focus only on all the difficulty. I choose gratitude. And I choose my attitude. Daily. And intentionally.
Breast Cancer treatment- is a BIG mountain to climb. A giant obstacle- directly in front of me. And I am facing it head on, and riding the waves of change, and the side effects of every treatment with as much grace as I can, to the best of my ability. Overcoming this- And sharing my story and my journey along the way- is part of my life destiny. And I believe that wholeheartedly.
Breast Cancer- Why me? I will never know the reason. And I will never ask. This is my life test, and I’ve been called to task. I am 1 in 8. And I will overcome. I will do my best to keep my chin up through this adversity, and my battle WILL be won.
Breast Cancer affects so many. It’s shocking when you’re in the thick of it. Giant hugs and honor to all who have been impacted – by this enormity. I stand among the countless women who have been down this road before me. And I look forward to standing with them at the finish line, as a survivor with a story.
Beautiful scars on both sides of my heart. Proof that I will do anything, and everything- to stay right where you are.
My family and friends are my world. These life moments are like gold. Removing my breast cancer is my act of intention towards my will for growing old.
A major life-changing, life-saving decision. A skin-sparing, double mastectomy. Letting go of all that is no longer best for me.
I haven’t lost anything! I’ve gained my life, and more minutes. I’m well on my way- to a cancer-free me. I am blessed. I am humble, and I am in this to win it.
Beautiful scars- on both sides of my heart, tell a bigger life story of survival, revival, God’s amazing grace, and His everlasting glory.
Life’s most precious moments- are fleeting. My heart is alive and well, and still beating.
I’ve been busy living every minute- to the fullest. In the quiet moments, I am grieving. But in the face of it all, I remain upright and stoic.
I may crumble in the dark- but God brings me right back to His light. I may get angry at the journey that lies in front of me. But God is holding my hand tight.
I didn’t ask for this, and I’d rather not have to do it. But God brought me to this- and He will bring me through it.
I choose to set my sights on every silver lining that lies before me. I choose faith over fear, and I hold onto hope with all the courage I have- even while I am mourning.
I believe wholeheartedly that our life journey is for a reason. We may not understand our hardships or life difficulties- but we must remain steadfast, trust in Him and keep believing.
I will give my all- to be a beacon of bright light for all who may go down a similar life journey. This isn’t me going into battle. This is me going through some tough-ass moments, letting go, big personal growth, and so much learning.
Cancer does not, and will not ever define me. I will rise and face the music directly in front of me, bask in God’s healing light, and breathe in peace, as I begin the painful process of leaving this cancer behind me.
There are painful, Angry moments. In the in-between. When I scream, shout And curse my way Through this grief… When I am weak. When I feel small. When I fall- All the way… Down.
Grace Only finds me Again…when- I am ready.
When I give in- And give it all Right back to Him. When I kneel down, And pray… God shines His everlasting light Down upon me. Radiating His love And blessings All around me. And it is then…when- I know and feel That everything Surrounding me, Dumbfounding me, And humbly Grounding me Will be okay…
But grace Doesn’t find me Every waking day.
It is up to me To go looking, Crawling, climbing Or falling… My way back To trusting in Him. Again, and again, And again.
I give my heart, My love, My faith, My trust, And my gratitude To Him.
Believing In His healing, And In His timing More than mine. And I will keep Fighting, Persevering And overcoming My plight. I have cancer- But that Doesn’t define My life.
TANiELLE ART 