I’m learning… What it is to have an Extreme duality of emotions In cancer survivorship. And that it’s okay To acknowledge and accept it Fully. Deeply. And honestly.
I am a breast cancer Survivor. I’m currently In remission- I have really great days- Where I feel confident, Positive. Hopeful. A small piece Of the carefree Light-hearted version of me. And yet- I still go through darkness. Really difficult times That feel extremely Isolating, depressing, And incredibly lonely.
I wouldn’t wish these days On anyone I love. It’s a very challenging Place to be. It feels like no one around me Really gets me- Not anymore. Not really. And I don’t want to drop the heavy On anyone around me. I’m happy they Don’t feel how I feel, But my spirit sure Longs for someone Who did- In these moments When I feel so sad and conflicted.
I feel guilty for feeling Ungrateful- When I know I should be thankful Because I’m still living- And I am- I feel both.
I’m beyond grateful – And I’m utterly heartbroken. I’m so angry- And I’m also glad. I’m so gracious for my body- For fighting And healing- And winning, so far- And I absolutely hate it. It makes me cry, And it makes me mad When I look in the mirror And remember What I used to have.
I’m learning Slowly. That it is completely okay To feel the extremes together- To grieve and to celebrate In the same conflicting breath. Because- As a cancer survivor- Every new day, Is another attempt To confront, sit with, and be okay With whatever this day’s Current emotion is.
My six-month breast cancer Check-up last Friday With my oncologist- Turned into seven because I forgot. I forgot to schedule it Because I was so busy living- And the forgetting, for me, Was a blessing… Because remembering – is a lot!
Before this day came, I was unbothered and untroubled. After all, this was just another normal Follow-up doctor’s appointment I needed to go to. But when I was pulling into The Harmony Cancer Center that day, My mood suddenly shifted. I felt a heaviness welling up inside my heart. I was taken aback. And these emotions Caught me completely off guard.
As I walked into the cancer center, I looked around at all the people present Waiting for their name to be called, As I patiently waited in line To be checked in for mine. Some wore hats To cover their balding heads from chemo. Some sat alone in silence Staring out the windows At the falling snow and gray skies. While others sat with their spouses And filled their waiting time With comforting words, Loving nudges and a bit of normalcy. Today, the cancer center was busy, And bustling.
I was a mixed bag Of so many different emotions… Bouncing, in real-time, From one right into the next. I stood trying to wrap my head around The complexity of all that I was feeling. And what I was feeling Felt heavy and intense.
I meandered around And found a chair that offered Bright colored landscapes on the wall In front of me to get lost in, And large windows close by To see the beautiful tree outside- That was somehow grounding. And something I found comfort in.
And I sat alone in silence, Sipping my hot coffee With honey and cinnamon- Reflecting, observing And remembering the journey That landed me in this space. The traumas still come back To haunt me from time to time. Like today. Coming back was a trigger I wasn’t prepared for in any way.
My grief is still present, Though not as often as it once was. And my sadness still lingers. Though most of it, I have chosen to let go of. But all that I felt was a reminder That I am still healing From all that I endured. That I am not done processing Everything I’ve been through. And I’m still hoping for one day, a cure. I’m healing slowly, but surely And that’s okay. Little bit by little bit, Over an extended time… Because healing never happens Overnight.
When my name was called, I stood tall and followed my nurse Like a robot going through the motions. Weight and height check- Followed by my vitals and questions Around depression and how I’m managing. Overall, I feel a sense of pride For getting through and to Where I’m at today. That said, I still have moments Where I struggle to accept My new normal as being okay.
After my nurse left, and as I sat waiting For my oncologist to arrive, I snapped this photo of myself Because it’s a moment To be celebrated. This was my high-five. I felt happy and grateful To still be here- To still be alive.
But when I look at This photo of myself, I see every emotion I was feeling And sitting with, Even though I thought I was hiding it. I see everything That tugged at my heart that day. I see happiness and inner peace. I see a deep sadness And a sense of unease. But I see immense gratitude- And a good attitude toward Being in remission– And I also see that I am not defined By one or the other. I see that I am all of them- Intertwined together… And a work-in-progress I will be– Forever.
It’s been a rough stretch- Mentally. I draw in a deep breath- As I feel the clouds Begin to lift. This darkness- Has felt so heavy. This grieving- Of who I was before- Cancer. And struggling To accept myself Unconditionally, As I am now- After. So much was lost, And I was happy With who I was. And I don’t yet see Anything That has been gained- Out of who I have become. If I’m being honest, Breast cancer Has made me feel Less like a woman, Weaker as a person, And so much more Sadness as a human. I would not wish this On anyone. I have been Profoundly humbled By my life journey. I understand The fragility of life, And the importance Of moments spent Both happy And hurting. I struggle to understand The purpose behind All that has been taken- And I would be lying If I said There weren’t moments Where I have felt Like I have been Forsaken. But I will forge ahead For my family- And do my best To hold my head high. And I will do so With as much strength And hope As I can find- Cancer has taken So much from me- But I will never Give it the power To define- The rest of my lifetime.
This was written the day my chemo port was placed, and the night before my very first chemo treatment. I was terrified of all of the unknowns. I leaned into God at every scary turn and it was everything I needed and more – to get me through it. May this poem find those who need it and offer up all of the same to you in your time of need or for someone you love! Love, light and giant hugs to all going through their own life battles right now. May we become beacons of light in the eye of the storm we’re in, to give hope to all those who follow a similar life journey! 💗💗💗
Laughter is the best medicine – so don’t forget to laugh as often as possible to get those endorphins coming your way. Stay strong!
God’s grace- is a glorious place. A prayerful, and meditative state- filled with peace, unconditional love, and safe keeping. Releasing, And unleashing me from all that burdens my weary, and tethered mind- to fearful, and unkind thoughts- that slowly rise up to the tip top. Becoming louder And more prominent, and dominant than my faith. I pause in reflection- And feel God beckon me back- to trust in Him completely. To not fear this road I see in front of me. But to believe in Him, And to seek the beauty, amongst the rubble He has lovingly bestowed upon me. I must always retrace my steps- back to the quiet, prayerful space- when I feel lost- And He will come to greet me, and I must lean in with everything I am- to learn every lesson He is teaching me. I feel renewed by the power of faith He has restored within me. He refuses to give up on me. God’s grace is everything. Even through all of these life trials, and tribulations- I am humbled and blessed by the outpouring of God’s greatest kindnesses, and I am wholeheartedly, and profoundly gracious. I will do my very best to remain steadfast, and courageous- in the face of- my greatest challenges. God’s grace- Is the most glorious, and peaceful place. Where my tears of gratitude stream freely. Where my heart is overcome by His eternal, and everlasting love for me. God’s grace never ceases- to amaze me. His amazing grace always finds me in the dark, and reaches out with his undying love- to once again save me…
Today- I took a walk with God. I talked to God. I cried with God. I asked why, and what for and how come? with God. I pleaded with God. I prayed to God, and then I waited in silence – for God to answer me.
I waited patiently, and quietly. I breathed in deeply, and exhaled forcefully. The tears, and life’s let-downs poured right out of me. Some days are downright hard- mentally. They’re messy, and they catch me- off guard, and unprepared. But these days are there- to remind me again… that timing isn’t up to me. as to when- or how this life works out for me. So I breathe in deeply- Again. And I turn my faith right back to Him. This is God’s Plan. God’s got me. And I’m down on my knees waiting patiently. Faithfully. I’m praying silently. Believing, and trusting blindly… in His timing. In His glory. In this life story- that He’s lovingly laid out for me… This is my journey and there’s peace in knowing that ultimately- God’s got me… In ALL things. along every step of the way. Every minute of every day, God’s got me, and He loves me. This is God’s plan and He has answered me this.. I must put my full faith Into Jesus- Nothing less. Because- He knows best… Always.
TANiELLE ART 