My six-month breast cancer
Check-up last Friday
With my oncologist-
Turned into seven because I forgot.
I forgot to schedule it
Because I was so busy living-
And the forgetting, for me,
Was a blessing…
Because remembering – is a lot!

Before this day came,
I was unbothered and untroubled.
After all, this was just another normal
Follow-up doctor’s appointment
I needed to go to.
But when I was pulling into
The Harmony Cancer Center that day,
My mood suddenly shifted.
I felt a heaviness welling up inside my heart.
I was taken aback.
And these emotions
Caught me completely off guard.

As I walked into the cancer center,
I looked around at all the people present
Waiting for their name to be called,
As I patiently waited in line
To be checked in for mine.
Some wore hats
To cover their balding heads from chemo.
Some sat alone in silence
Staring out the windows
At the falling snow and gray skies.
While others sat with their spouses
And filled their waiting time
With comforting words,
Loving nudges and a bit of normalcy.
Today, the cancer center was busy,
And bustling.

I was a mixed bag
Of so many different emotions…
Bouncing, in real-time,
From one right into the next.
I stood trying to wrap my head around
The complexity of all that I was feeling.
And what I was feeling
Felt heavy and intense.

I meandered around
And found a chair that offered
Bright colored landscapes on the wall
In front of me to get lost in,
And large windows close by
To see the beautiful tree outside-
That was somehow grounding.
And something I found comfort in.

And I sat alone in silence,
Sipping my hot coffee
With honey and cinnamon-
Reflecting, observing
And remembering the journey
That landed me in this space.
The traumas still come back
To haunt me from time to time.
Like today.
Coming back was a trigger
I wasn’t prepared for in any way.

My grief is still present,
Though not as often as it once was.
And my sadness still lingers.
Though most of it,
I have chosen to let go of.
But all that I felt was a reminder
That I am still healing
From all that I endured.
That I am not done processing
Everything I’ve been through.
And I’m still hoping for one day, a cure.
I’m healing slowly, but surely
And that’s okay.
Little bit by little bit,
Over an extended time…
Because healing never happens
Overnight.

When my name was called,
I stood tall and followed my nurse
Like a robot going through the motions.
Weight and height check-
Followed by my vitals and questions
Around depression and how I’m managing.
Overall, I feel a sense of pride
For getting through and to
Where I’m at today.
That said, I still have moments
Where I struggle to accept
My new normal as being okay.

After my nurse left, and as I sat waiting
For my oncologist to arrive,
I snapped this photo of myself
Because it’s a moment
To be celebrated.
This was my high-five.
I felt happy and grateful
To still be here-
To still be alive.

But when I look at
This photo of myself,
I see every emotion I was feeling
And sitting with,
Even though
I thought I was hiding it.
I see everything
That tugged at my heart that day.
I see happiness and inner peace.
I see a deep sadness
And a sense of unease.
But I see immense gratitude-
And a good attitude toward
Being in remission–
And I also see that I am not defined
By one or the other.
I see that I am all of them-
Intertwined together…
And a work-in-progress I will be–
Forever.

Because I am a breast cancer survivor.

-Tanielle Childers ©️ 4.22.25

Diagnosed 12.21.21
DMX 2.10.22
Chemo 3.22.22 – 5.29.22
Reconstruction & ovary removal 7.29.22