To our beautiful son, Dason, Who wasn’t meant To stay here on earth… I will never forget you Or the day of your birth.
I honored your life By delivering you As if you were To be born alive. It was the only way I knew how to show you- Just how much love We held for you inside.
In times of great sorrow, You never cease to Surprise and amaze me- By showing up In the most beautiful And unexpected ways.
Today- I walked outside After a few days of Feeling somber And sad inside.
And the most Vibrant dragonfly Was laid to rest Right at my feet As if it had been Perfectly placed And was waiting there Just for me.
My tears were instant. A giant lump in my throat, My heart skipped a beat. I knew in that moment It was you. A giant hug from above A gift of grace And all the love And comfort I So desperately longed for.
I see you And feel your spirit Through your Heaven-sent signs And dragonfly eyes. I am endlessly grateful For you And I love you With all my heart And bigger than The whole sky.
My six-month breast cancer Check-up last Friday With my oncologist- Turned into seven because I forgot. I forgot to schedule it Because I was so busy living- And the forgetting, for me, Was a blessing… Because remembering – is a lot!
Before this day came, I was unbothered and untroubled. After all, this was just another normal Follow-up doctor’s appointment I needed to go to. But when I was pulling into The Harmony Cancer Center that day, My mood suddenly shifted. I felt a heaviness welling up inside my heart. I was taken aback. And these emotions Caught me completely off guard.
As I walked into the cancer center, I looked around at all the people present Waiting for their name to be called, As I patiently waited in line To be checked in for mine. Some wore hats To cover their balding heads from chemo. Some sat alone in silence Staring out the windows At the falling snow and gray skies. While others sat with their spouses And filled their waiting time With comforting words, Loving nudges and a bit of normalcy. Today, the cancer center was busy, And bustling.
I was a mixed bag Of so many different emotions… Bouncing, in real-time, From one right into the next. I stood trying to wrap my head around The complexity of all that I was feeling. And what I was feeling Felt heavy and intense.
I meandered around And found a chair that offered Bright colored landscapes on the wall In front of me to get lost in, And large windows close by To see the beautiful tree outside- That was somehow grounding. And something I found comfort in.
And I sat alone in silence, Sipping my hot coffee With honey and cinnamon- Reflecting, observing And remembering the journey That landed me in this space. The traumas still come back To haunt me from time to time. Like today. Coming back was a trigger I wasn’t prepared for in any way.
My grief is still present, Though not as often as it once was. And my sadness still lingers. Though most of it, I have chosen to let go of. But all that I felt was a reminder That I am still healing From all that I endured. That I am not done processing Everything I’ve been through. And I’m still hoping for one day, a cure. I’m healing slowly, but surely And that’s okay. Little bit by little bit, Over an extended time… Because healing never happens Overnight.
When my name was called, I stood tall and followed my nurse Like a robot going through the motions. Weight and height check- Followed by my vitals and questions Around depression and how I’m managing. Overall, I feel a sense of pride For getting through and to Where I’m at today. That said, I still have moments Where I struggle to accept My new normal as being okay.
After my nurse left, and as I sat waiting For my oncologist to arrive, I snapped this photo of myself Because it’s a moment To be celebrated. This was my high-five. I felt happy and grateful To still be here- To still be alive.
But when I look at This photo of myself, I see every emotion I was feeling And sitting with, Even though I thought I was hiding it. I see everything That tugged at my heart that day. I see happiness and inner peace. I see a deep sadness And a sense of unease. But I see immense gratitude- And a good attitude toward Being in remission– And I also see that I am not defined By one or the other. I see that I am all of them- Intertwined together… And a work-in-progress I will be– Forever.
I’m so proud of you For getting through Every hardship, Every battle, And every struggle That came from Every difficult storm You walked through.
I’m so proud of you For every part Of grief you Overcame. For moving through Every feeling You felt, For allowing Your heart to cry- As you Stoically, Quietly, Or powerfully, And painfully Wept.
I’m so proud- That when the timing Was just right for you, You chose To finally Let it all go. Let go of your pain, And suffering, The anger, And sorrow, And everything That no longer Served you- And in the same breath You decided To step outside of Your comfort zone. And you chose Joy and happiness. You chose to rise, and To spread your wings, In order to grow, And glow Into the new, Courageous, Powerful and Radiant YOU.
Shine your light bright For the whole wide world To see- And to feel. Choose to Love yourself A whole lot more, And a whole lot better… Please promise me You will. Please offer yourself Forgiveness, And allow yourself More grace- With even more space For love, compassion, And patience… For doing your best. For who you are And where you are- Right now At this very moment, And in this place. Because- You and I both know That this life isn’t easy! And I just wanted you to know- That I think you’re doing great!
It’s been a rough stretch- Mentally. I draw in a deep breath- As I feel the clouds Begin to lift. This darkness- Has felt so heavy. This grieving- Of who I was before- Cancer. And struggling To accept myself Unconditionally, As I am now- After. So much was lost, And I was happy With who I was. And I don’t yet see Anything That has been gained- Out of who I have become. If I’m being honest, Breast cancer Has made me feel Less like a woman, Weaker as a person, And so much more Sadness as a human. I would not wish this On anyone. I have been Profoundly humbled By my life journey. I understand The fragility of life, And the importance Of moments spent Both happy And hurting. I struggle to understand The purpose behind All that has been taken- And I would be lying If I said There weren’t moments Where I have felt Like I have been Forsaken. But I will forge ahead For my family- And do my best To hold my head high. And I will do so With as much strength And hope As I can find- Cancer has taken So much from me- But I will never Give it the power To define- The rest of my lifetime.
F it. FIGHT it. FINISH it. FIND a cure. FIND a way to THRIVE, despite it. And FORGET it, even if only for a moment.
FOCUS on HEALING and self-care. And know that it’s okay to FEEL like your diagnosis isn’t FAIR.
FEEL the big LOVE surrounding you, And all of the support rallying all around you.
FIND BEAUTY in the quiet moments. Remember what really matters and what doesn’t, and then let go of it!
Bid FAREWELL to all that does not support you healthily. And do what’s best for you- both physically and mentally.
FIND JOY in the small things. Keep FAITH and hope alive. Don’t sweat that, which you cannot control. Stop FIGHTING your tears. Allow them to FLOW, and then let it all go.
FIND and allow FORGIVENESS and grace, and practice both daily. Allow yourself time and space to meditate and pray, FAITHFULLY.
And FEEL your FEELINGS all the way through. But remember that cancer does not define you.
Give your anger a voice, and then kill it with kindness. And give your sadness a huge hug- Because sadness reminds us- that we’re only human, going through an extremely difficult human experience!
FIND your STRENGTH. FEEL your POWER. And dig deep for the courage to battle all the way to the FINISH LINE. And then FIND, rediscover and recreate the new you – and your new life… And I hope you choose to shine.
Stand tall alongside all of the other courageous warriors, cancer survivors, and thrivers- Who will continue loving and supporting you, FIGHTING with, and FOR you- and cheering you on for the rest of time, from the sideline.
And honor those who have sadly lost their battle by living your best life for the rest of your life.
You are more powerful than you know. And most importantly, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
My belief is that God doesn’t Bring us to the fire- To watch us Go down in flames.
And He doesn’t Ship us out to sea To look on- As we’re swallowed By the giant waves.
And He doesn’t Send us into the eye Of any storm To punish us In such a way That we shall Never again- See the light of day.
My belief is that God brings us To the fire- To watch us grow Until that spark ignites. To look on As our potential Grows higher And higher, And to help us, To shine our new light.
And He ships us Out to sea So we can learn To navigate Uncharted waters, And gain new strength As we learn how to swim. And when we grow Tired and weary, He wants to remind us To go back to Seeking and Believing in Him.
And He sends us Into and through The eye of a storm To show us Our true character And what we’re made of. For us to prove To ourselves That we can be more Than we ever thought We could be- Despite the toughest Battles that fall At our feet.
He sees us- And knows our potential. He challenges us And believes in us Wholeheartedly- And in our ability To overcome Any obstacle We are faced with, In this life, All the way through- To the end.
And He looks on Lovingly As we rise up Again and again. Out of the fire- Out of the water- And on the other side Of every storm- As a better human With a bigger heart, More compassion, Understanding, And a lot less thorns.
That moment when- Your tired mind Can suddenly see- The world, And your current situation Through a completely Different lens.
That moment when- Your mind shifts, The clouds lift, And the sun comes out Welcoming you back home- To your happiness. Right where you belong.
That moment when- The right words are spoken, And your world suddenly realigns, And begins To make some sort of sense – again. After having been in the dark For far too long.
That moment when- Gratitude sneaks back in, And kisses you Softly on the cheek. And you smile in return- From the inside, out- Remembering Just how sweet The littlest things in life Can be.
Dedicated to my kids … because life is never easy – and not without change. And because I want to make sure I pour my heart out in its entirety while I’m still here….And I want my words to continue speaking to their hearts long after I’m gone. 💛
“You CAN Overcome Anything”
The truth is You CAN handle Whatever comes your way- No matter how big Or how hard- The life change. You don’t handle Everything all at once- Or all in one day. You handle it In baby steps, And long, deep breaths. You handle it- Moment by moment. Just make the next Right decision- And do your best. Sometimes- You handle it- With tears and talks And late night texts. You handle it- With lots of hugs, And I love yous. You handle it- With naps and walks, Movies, ice cream, Self-care, laughing, Praying and gratitude. You handle it- With those Who have your back- At every turn. Just keep going… Lean into the change- And always- Learn. You handle it- Little bit by little bit. And as you begin To adjust to the changes- You can gradually Let go of the heaviness- Or the overbearing weight of it. And even if you never Fully get over it- You CAN get through it. You ARE strong enough. You ARE capable. And I believe- With all of my heart- That you CAN do it. I love you- With everything That I am- And for as long As I am able to… I promise To hold your heart- And love you Through it- No matter what. You are capable And strong enough- To get through- And overcome The hard stuff.
A major life change- Unfolding swiftly Before me. Each day- A new wave, And an attempt At a brave face- With this tough, New reality. Breast Cancer, Has completely Dumbfounded me. It’s astounding- To me… Just how fast The Cancer Center Moves. With their patient’s care, There is no time to lose. Testing and directing you, Collecting results, Analyzing and presenting Everything They know. Offering their expertise, Comforting words, And best of all, HOPE. The cancer- Must be removed, And the time Is coming now. And my job As a patient Is to prepare myself… And I will- SOMEHOW. A mind-numbing Place in time, And so surreal. Some moments feel Much more- Like a dream, And —- it seems Almost impossible To swallow Or even digest A mere fraction of this- The magnitude Of all that is- Happening So fast. I’m tapping Into my inner Strength and courage, Hope and faith, My sacred space. But I do not And will not Feel sorry for me- Only uncertainty For all that is coming, And all that will be. For whatever reason, THIS— Is part of My life journey. A new chapter Of learning- Healing, And letting go, Overcoming, And BIG growth For me- Spiritually. Putting my full faith Into God- To carry me When I am tired, And weary. I feel in my heart Of hearts, That all will be okay… But I worry- Most about My beautiful family. And how THEY Are going to cope, And manage Around me. I MUST AND I WILL Get through this! For this— Is just a BIG bump In the road. This cancer- May be as fierce as a tiger, But I — I AM a fiercer fighter. And with the heart of a lion, I will prove That I am MIGHTIER!
dreamer | artist | painter | poet 