cancer aftermath – TANiELLE ART

I’m Learning

I’m learning…
What it is to have an
Extreme duality of emotions
In cancer survivorship.
And that it’s okay
To acknowledge and accept it
Fully. Deeply.
And honestly.

I am a breast cancer
Survivor.
I’m currently
In remission-
I have really great days-
Where I feel confident,
Positive. Hopeful.
A small piece
Of the carefree
Light-hearted version of me.
And yet-
I still go through darkness.
Really difficult times
That feel extremely
Isolating, depressing,
And incredibly lonely.

I wouldn’t wish these days
On anyone I love.
It’s a very challenging
Place to be.
It feels like no one around me
Really gets me-
Not anymore.
Not really.
And I don’t want to drop the heavy
On anyone around me.
I’m happy they
Don’t feel how I feel,
But my spirit sure
Longs for someone
Who did-
In these moments
When I feel so sad and conflicted.

I feel guilty for feeling
Ungrateful-
When I know
I should be thankful
Because I’m still living-
And I am-
I feel both.

I’m beyond grateful –
And I’m utterly heartbroken.
I’m so angry-
And I’m also glad.
I’m so gracious for my body-
For fighting
And healing-
And winning, so far-
And I absolutely hate it.
It makes me cry,
And it makes me mad
When I look in the mirror
And remember
What I used to have.

I’m learning
Slowly.
That it is completely okay
To feel the extremes together-
To grieve and to celebrate
In the same conflicting breath.
Because-
As a cancer survivor-
Every new day,
Is another attempt
To confront, sit with, and be okay
With whatever this day’s
Current emotion is.

-Taniellle Childers ©️ 2.24.26

Triggered

Poetry by Tanielle Childers

Triggered-

By the photos

Posted online

Of all of you together-

Smiling, laughing,

Adventuring, and living it up.

Triggered-

Because there was a time

When I was right there

Beside you in the mix,

Sharing in all the laughs,

Jokes and shenanigans.

I miss it.

Triggered-

Because I still

Don’t totally understand

Exactly why it happened.

Only that it did.

And only that it remains-

Forever changed.

Triggered-

Because I’m no longer

On the inside.

No longer a regular part

Of your everyday lives.

And I still feel like

I’m stuck in the dark.

Wondering why.

Triggered-

Because so much

About my life has changed

Since overcoming

Breast cancer.

And the change in

Friendships-

Has been incredibly

Difficult for me to accept.

But I’m trying my best

To get it.

And even harder

To just let it.

I understand

That I’m not the person

I used to be.

I struggle to this day

To feel carefree-

Like I used to be.

But I’m doing my best

Every day

To hold my head high

And smile my way through

The sadness that overcomes

My heart when I am

Triggered.

The Cancer Aftermath

Poetry by Tanielle Childers

Breast Cancer
Kicked me down-
From diagnosis
To doctors appointments,
To consultations-
And further testing.
From big surgeries
To healing and resting-
And then, just when
I was feeling strong again,
It kicked me back down-
And I laid lifeless
After my very last
Chemo round…
And when I thought
The worst was over,
It blindsided me,
And knocked me further-
Down to the ground…
And God brought me
To my knees.
Reaching for me.
Holding me,
And humbly
Reminding me
Of all the healing
I have left to do.
The emotions
That have pooled-
Of all that has happened.
I must now-
Begin to work thru.
My cancer days are
Behind me-
But in front of me
Lies a heavy blanket of grief-
The cancer aftermath-
The emotional rollercoaster.
The forever hangover,
And the reminders
That there are no do-overs.
The loss of what I once was-
Before cancer took
Those parts of me.
And the new reality
Of what now is…
The new ‘survivor’ me.
The traumas,
And inside wounds
I must now tend to.
My broken heart-
Just doesn’t hold
The same magic it used to.
My recovery is far from over.
There’s no end game.
No end date.
But the cancer is gone,
And life should be great.
Except that it’s not.
And that makes me
Feel guilty-
More times than not.
The future feels
Haunting,
Overwhelming,
And daunting.
It feels defeating,
Sorrowful,
And sad.
I feel angry,
And in moments-
Stark raving mad.
It’s hard to wrap
My head around-
The magnitude
Of all I’ve been through.
And no one around me
Understands the depth
Of anything I’m feeling
Or going through.
I’m just back to living
As if everything
I just went through
Wasn’t anything.
Except that it was…
And the sadness,
And mood swings,
And feelings
Are horribly isolating,
And deeply
Heartbreaking.
But I’m still here
Doing my best.
Reminding myself daily
That I’m blessed.
Because I am.
But underneath it all-
I’m still struggling.
More than I care to admit.
My life has forever changed
And I’m not convinced
That I’m better for it
Yet.