I’m Learning

I’m learning…
What it is to have an
Extreme duality of emotions
In cancer survivorship.
And that it’s okay
To acknowledge and accept it
Fully. Deeply.
And honestly.

I am a breast cancer
Survivor.
I’m currently
In remission-
I have really great days-
Where I feel confident,
Positive. Hopeful.
A small piece
Of the carefree
Light-hearted version of me.
And yet-
I still go through darkness.
Really difficult times
That feel extremely
Isolating, depressing,
And incredibly lonely.

I wouldn’t wish these days
On anyone I love.
It’s a very challenging
Place to be.
It feels like no one around me
Really gets me-
Not anymore.
Not really.
And I don’t want to drop the heavy
On anyone around me.
I’m happy they
Don’t feel how I feel,
But my spirit sure
Longs for someone
Who did-
In these moments
When I feel so sad and conflicted.

I feel guilty for feeling
Ungrateful-
When I know
I should be thankful
Because I’m still living-
And I am-
I feel both.

I’m beyond grateful –
And I’m utterly heartbroken.
I’m so angry-
And I’m also glad.
I’m so gracious for my body-
For fighting
And healing-
And winning, so far-
And I absolutely hate it.
It makes me cry,
And it makes me mad
When I look in the mirror
And remember
What I used to have.

I’m learning
Slowly.
That it is completely okay
To feel the extremes together-
To grieve and to celebrate
In the same conflicting breath.
Because-
As a cancer survivor-
Every new day,
Is another attempt
To confront, sit with, and be okay
With whatever this day’s
Current emotion is.

-Taniellle Childers ©️ 2.24.26