My Belief

My belief is that
God doesn’t
Bring us to the fire-
To watch us
Go down in flames.

And He doesn’t
Ship us out to sea
To look on-
As we’re swallowed
By the giant waves.

And He doesn’t
Send us into the eye
Of any storm
To punish us
In such a way
That we shall
Never again-
See the light of day.

My belief is that
God brings us
To the fire-
To watch us grow
Until that spark ignites.
To look on
As our potential
Grows higher
And higher,
And to help us,
To shine our new light.

And He ships us
Out to sea
So we can learn
To navigate
Uncharted waters,
And gain new strength
As we learn how to swim.
And when we grow
Tired and weary,
He wants to remind us
To go back to
Seeking and
Believing in Him.

And He sends us
Into and through
The eye of a storm
To show us
Our true character
And what we’re made of.
For us to prove
To ourselves
That we can be more
Than we ever thought
We could be-
Despite the toughest
Battles that fall
At our feet.

He sees us-
And knows our potential.
He challenges us
And believes in us
Wholeheartedly-
And in our ability
To overcome
Any obstacle
We are faced with,
In this life,
All the way through-
To the end.

And He looks on
Lovingly
As we rise up
Again and again.
Out of the fire-
Out of the water-
And on the other side
Of every storm-
As a better human
With a bigger heart,
More compassion,
Understanding,
And a lot less thorns.

-Tanielle Childers ©️ 4.5.24

The Cancer Aftermath

Breast Cancer
Kicked me down-
From diagnosis
To doctors appointments,
To consultations-
And further testing.
From big surgeries
To healing and resting-
And then, just when
I was feeling strong again,
It kicked me back down-
And I laid lifeless
After my very last
Chemo round…
And when I thought
The worst was over,
It blindsided me,
And knocked me further-
Down to the ground…
And God brought me
To my knees.
Reaching for me.
Holding me,
And humbly
Reminding me
Of all the healing
I have left to do.
The emotions
That have pooled-
Of all that has happened.
I must now-
Begin to work thru.
My cancer days are
Behind me-
But in front of me
Lies a heavy blanket of grief-
The cancer aftermath-
The emotional rollercoaster.
The forever hangover,
And the reminders
That there are no do-overs.
The loss of what I once was-
Before cancer took
Those parts of me.
And the new reality
Of what now is…
The new ‘survivor’ me.
The traumas,
And inside wounds
I must now tend to.
My broken heart-
Just doesn’t hold
The same magic it used to.
My recovery is far from over.
There’s no end game.
No end date.
But the cancer is gone,
And life should be great.
Except that it’s not.
And that makes me
Feel guilty-
More times than not.
The future feels
Haunting,
Overwhelming,
And daunting.
It feels defeating,
Sorrowful,
And sad.
I feel angry,
And in moments-
Stark raving mad.
It’s hard to wrap
My head around-
The magnitude
Of all I’ve been through.
And no one around me
Understands the depth
Of anything I’m feeling
Or going through.
I’m just back to living
As if everything
I just went through
Wasn’t anything.
Except that it was…
And the sadness,
And mood swings,
And feelings
Are horribly isolating,
And deeply
Heartbreaking.
But I’m still here
Doing my best.
Reminding myself daily
That I’m blessed.
Because I am.
But underneath it all-
I’m still struggling.
More than I care to admit.
My life has forever changed
And I’m not convinced
That I’m better for it
Yet.

~Tanielle Childers ©️ 11.27.22

SOME DAYS

Some days-
You feel tired
Of fighting,
Tired of hiding
The heartache
Behind your smile.

Some days
You feel like crying
Instead of siding
With positivity,
Even if only
For just a little while.

Some days
No matter
How deep you dig,
Happiness,
Hope, and sunshine
Are difficult to feel.

Some days
It’s okay
To let down and let go,
And to not feel okay,
And just get rest
So you can heal.

Some days
Are not fun days,
Or hit-the-ground-running’ days
Or give-it-your-all days
And it’s okay
Not to be that way every day.

Some days
You just need
To give yourself grace,
And walk away
from the rat race.
It’s okay to take a break.

Some days
Are mental health days
That require
Other ways of dealing-
With a lot less people pleasing
And that’s okay, too.

Some days
There are better ways
Of living, and being,
And giving-
Even when that means
Giving more time for you.

After all,
We’re all just humans-
Being.
And it’s okay to just be human
And nothing more-
Some days.

-Tanielle Childers ©️ 4.26.22