grief – TANiELLE ART

I’m learning…
What it is to have an
Extreme duality of emotions
In cancer survivorship.
And that it’s okay
To acknowledge and accept it
Fully. Deeply.
And honestly.

I am a breast cancer
Survivor.
I’m currently
In remission-
I have really great days-
Where I feel confident,
Positive. Hopeful.
A small piece
Of the carefree
Light-hearted version of me.
And yet-
I still go through darkness.
Really difficult times
That feel extremely
Isolating, depressing,
And incredibly lonely.

I wouldn’t wish these days
On anyone I love.
It’s a very challenging
Place to be.
It feels like no one around me
Really gets me-
Not anymore.
Not really.
And I don’t want to drop the heavy
On anyone around me.
I’m happy they
Don’t feel how I feel,
But my spirit sure
Longs for someone
Who did-
In these moments
When I feel so sad and conflicted.

I feel guilty for feeling
Ungrateful-
When I know
I should be thankful
Because I’m still living-
And I am-
I feel both.

I’m beyond grateful –
And I’m utterly heartbroken.
I’m so angry-
And I’m also glad.
I’m so gracious for my body-
For fighting
And healing-
And winning, so far-
And I absolutely hate it.
It makes me cry,
And it makes me mad
When I look in the mirror
And remember
What I used to have.

I’m learning
Slowly.
That it is completely okay
To feel the extremes together-
To grieve and to celebrate
In the same conflicting breath.
Because-
As a cancer survivor-
Every new day,
Is another attempt
To confront, sit with, and be okay
With whatever this day’s
Current emotion is.

It’s been a rough stretch-
Mentally.
I draw in a deep breath-
As I feel the clouds
Begin to lift.
This darkness-
Has felt so heavy.
This grieving-
Of who I was before-
Cancer.
And struggling
To accept myself
Unconditionally,
As I am now-
After.
So much was lost,
And I was happy
With who I was.
And I don’t yet see
Anything
That has been gained-
Out of who I have become.
If I’m being honest,
Breast cancer
Has made me feel
Less like a woman,
Weaker as a person,
And so much more
Sadness as a human.
I would not wish this
On anyone.
I have been
Profoundly humbled
By my life journey.
I understand
The fragility of life,
And the importance
Of moments spent
Both happy
And hurting.
I struggle to understand
The purpose behind
All that has been taken-
And I would be lying
If I said
There weren’t moments
Where I have felt
Like I have been
Forsaken.
But I will forge ahead
For my family-
And do my best
To hold my head high.
And I will do so
With as much strength
And hope
As I can find-
Cancer has taken
So much from me-
But I will never
Give it the power
To define-
The rest of my lifetime.

Tag: grief

I’m Learning

Breast Cancer – Grief