I’m learning…
The hard way
About mixed feelings
And what that means-
Literally.
And I actually
Fully comprehend it now-
Deeply and personally.
I am a breast cancer
Survivor.
I’m currently
In remission-
I have really great days-
Where I feel confident,
Positive and hopeful.
A small glimpse
Of the carefree
Previous version of me.
And yet-
I still go through
Really tough times
That feel extremely
Isolating, depressing,
And incredibly lonely.
I wouldn’t wish these days
On anyone I love.
It’s a horribly lonely
Place to be.
It feels like no one around me
Really gets me-
Not anymore.
Not really.
They haven’t been in my shoes
So, how could they?
I’m glad they
Don’t feel how I feel,
But my spirit sure
Longs for someone
Who did-
In these moments
When I’m so conflicted.
I feel guilty for feeling
Ungrateful-
When I know
I should be happy
That I’m still living-
And I am-
I feel both.
I’m beyond grateful –
And I’m utterly heartbroken.
I’m so angry-
And I’m also glad.
I’m so thankful for my body-
For fighting
And healing-
And winning so far-
And I absolutely hate it.
It makes me cry-
When I look in the mirror
At my current self
And remember
What I used to have.
I’m learning
Slowly.
That maybe it’s okay
To feel both fully and together-
To grieve and to celebrate
In the same conflicting breath.
Because-
As a breast cancer survivor-
Every new day,
Is another attempt
To confront and
Hopefully overcome
Whatever this day’s
Current emotion is.
-Taniellle Childers ©️ 2.24.26
TANiELLE ART 