Our sweet baby,
Dason Albert Childers
Born sleeping on August 10, 2012
(19 weeks gestation)
A HUGE surprise, my number three.
So caught off guard, so meant to be.
Alive and well at 16 weeks.
The beautiful life inside of me.
My most difficult pregnancy, age 36.
Early hypertension, a dirty rotten trick.
Placed on powerful meds – a doctor’s fix.
I worried terribly about the strength of it.
Our sweet baby died around 17 weeks,
But we wouldn’t find out until week 19.
My husband, myself, my mom and both of our kids-
Watching the ultrasound to see what gender our baby is.
The technician’s face changed as she studied the screen.
I watched her intently wondering what it might mean.
The words that came out when she finally spoke-
Made my heart stop. The shock stuck in my throat.
Should your kids step out while I deliver the news?
Was the question she asked us and we were to choose.
Toby asked if it was bad and she said that it was.
Regretfully, I decided she would first tell just us.
So both kids stepped out of the room with my mom-
When the door finally closed came the drop of a bomb.
I can’t find a heartbeat – your baby has died.
Toby and I embraced tight – while both of us cried.
As we hugged and sobbed, I couldn’t seem to breathe-
The beautiful life I carried had died inside of me.
We were led down the hall to a room to grieve.
A nurse held my hand tight as she walked with me.
The midwife stepped in and quietly sat down.
Her face so somber, her eyes a deep, dark brown.
She was searching my face for the words she might say-
The tears flooded my eyes, I couldn’t wipe them away.
She spoke softly and quietly, in the gentlest of ways-
“I’m so sorry this has happened, and it’s not okay.”
The words somehow escaped me, both audible and clear.
What do we do now and where do we go from here?
I could deliver my baby and they would induce me-
Or my only other option, a procedure called a D&E.
For me the answer was instant – it came from my heart.
I would honor the life within me by doing my part.
I’d deliver my baby, go through the pain so I could heal.
I’d be fully present and not so numb that I wouldn’t feel.
It was decided and arranged for the very next day.
And I closed my eyes tightly wishing this would all melt away.
Then suddenly I longed to have my children at my side.
I ached for their presence and to look into their eyes.
I sobbed out the news as they stepped through the door.
Kaia burst into tears and cried, it rocked her to the core.
We held our children tight to comfort them in their grief.
My mom knelt down and together we mourned – in total disbelief.
My dad arrived to be with us as we began to sort things through.
The kids would spend the night with them, in the morning I’d be induced.
A sleepless night with unchartered waters that lie anxiously just ahead.
I began mentally preparing to give birth to our sweet little baby – born dead.
With but a wink of sleep, the next morning came. It had arrived all too soon.
Our nightmare began unfolding as we checked in and were taken to our room.
I remember shivering so hard from the cold and sobbing as I stripped down.
Everything familiar and suddenly dreadful as Toby helped me into my gown.
I climbed into the bed prepared for delivery and settled my nerves as I wept.
Toby was my strength, loving and supporting me; my side he never left.
Induced around 9:30 a.m., the beginning of a long and heartwrenching day.
Around 2 p.m. my labor progressed, our sweet baby was now on the way.
Dason Albert Childers was born sleeping at 4:30 p.m. on Friday, August 10, 2012.
Our beautiful baby boy, now our angel up in heaven and in our hearts forever held.
-Tanielle Childers © August 15, 2012