Just Imagine the Butterfly, One Day I’ll Be

I haven’t uncovered
Or rediscovered
The new me just yet.
But I’m trying,
And I will.
In my own time.

I’m still sifting through
All the layers of my grief.
The hurt and sorrow
Is profound,
And still runs deep.
And it’s uncomfortable,
Understandably,
For most people to see,
And to hear.
So I stay quiet.
And keep to myself-
Until-
It spills over,
And out, and down
From my eyes,
And out from my guts,
In a powerful sob,
From the depths
Of my weathered spirit.
In the dark of night,
In my car after a long day-
Or in the shower
Where only I can hear it.
Some days I feel like
I’m standing still-
While the world
Spins in a blur-
Wildly all around me.
Above, below
And beside me.
And they’re busy
Living their best life-
Without me.
Without what-
We used to be.
Before everything changed-
And I get it.
But letting go-
Is so hard to let it.
And some days I feel stuck.
And stagnant.
Stuck in life.
Stuck in my darkness.
Stuck in the mud.
Stuck in the heaviness
That weighs on my heart-
When I remember my cancer.
And I go right back
To feeling sad,
And displaced.
And alone.
Even though I know I’m not.
My support system is huge,
But my pride is bigger-
And wants not to be a burden
Or a downer.
Because I want to be strong.
I want to inspire.
I want to empower.
And people want to see
Me being positive
And always finding
The silver lining
In the face of everything that
Went wrong for me.
And I do…
Except – when I can’t.
And I’d like to be super woman.
Except – that I’m not.
And I’d like to be hopeful and positive
Every waking hour,
And especially in the face of
Personal disasters.
Except – that’s not human…
And I am.

But God’s got me
No matter what.
On every front.
Through every battle,
And every darkness
That casts its shadow-
Upon me.
I know God has greatness
In store for me.

I haven’t uncovered
Or rediscovered
The new me just yet…
But I’m still here trying-
They say the biggest growth
Happens in darkness-
And I guess I’m not quite done
Growing in mine.
But I will be.
In my own time.

Just imagine the butterfly-
One day I’ll be.
Spreading my beautiful wings-
For the world to see.

-Tanielle Childers © 1.11.24