Poetry and Blogs by Tanielle

Dear Dason

(a thank you poem written to honor our unborn son, exactly one year after we lost him)

ONE LOSS
I never envisioned happening.
EARTH SHATTERING WORDS
I never imagined hearing.
THAT DAY
I never saw unfolding.
A NIGHTMARE
I never dreamed of knowing.
ONE MOMENT
Changed our lives forever.
ONE TINY LIFE
Transformed my health for the better.
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME
My broken heart recovered.
ONE YEAR
Battling Postpartum and depression.
With the strength of your spirit,
God’s grace and protection.
IN HONOR OF YOU
I took a series of small steps
In a healthier life direction.
365 DAYS AGO
I began a journey of rediscovering
The true miracle of what it means to be alive.
BECAUSE 365 DAYS AGO
We were forced to say goodbye
To the life I carried inside.
You’ve been the brightest light-
Through all my darkest of times.
Losing you has both tested and strengthened me.
You have completely transformed my life.
It’s been a long, hard road
Since that awful, dreadful day.
But we have found some sort of peace
In your death along our way.
As a family, we grew stronger,
Pulled together, held each other,
Cried together, laughed together,
Spent time with one another.
Spoke openly of life and death
And how nothing lasts forever.
You are and always will be
Our sweet angel gone too soon.
We miss you, son. We always will.
They miss their brother, too.
I cannot express the depth of my gratitude.
I love you Dason, with all my heart
And owe my life to you.

– Tanielle Childers © August 2013

My Angel in the Sky

The sun outside is shining bright.
Not a cloud up in the sky.
And yet this darkness swallows me whole.
My heart chokes on goodbye.

Sorrow wraps around me tight,
Making it hard to breathe.
And though I know this too shall pass,
For now, I’m asked to grieve.

The life I once held close to mine,
Protected in my womb-
Has died and gone to heaven
And was taken much too soon.

Hold on to those you love so dear.
Memorize the moments as they pass by.
Live, love, laugh all you can
And learn from the tears you’re asked to cry.

If nothing ever changed in life,
Butterflies would not be.
And heaven would have no angels
If God never set them free.

The sun outside is shining bright
Not a cloud up in the sky.
My son’s life and death has awakened me.
My heart beats for him this time.

His spirit wraps around me tight.
His death so hard to believe.
And yet the light he shines on me,
Gives me all the strength I need.

I miss him so, my beautiful boy
And honor his life by living mine.
I love him still, I always will.
My heart beats for him this time.

Hold on to those you love so dear.
Memorize the moments as they pass by.
Live, love, laugh all you can
And make the most of this beautiful life.

If nothing ever changed in life,
Butterflies would not be.
And heaven would have no angels,
If God never set them free.

The sun outside is shining bright.
Not a cloud up in the sky.
If nothing ever changed in life,
Our angels wouldn’t fly.

-Tanielle Childers © 2012

Hold Us In Your Arms

Darkness swallowed my morning light.
The storm came crashing down.
Heaven stole my happiness
And left me here to drown.

Naked in its powerful grip-
Its strength too much for me.
A heavy heart, my distant cries.
The light too hard to see.

Hold me in your arms, Dear Lord.
Do not let me go.
Please help me now to weather this storm-
Forgive me if I’m slow.

With all my soul, I honor you son-
The short life you shared with me.
My beautiful boy, you hold my heart.
From this life, God set you free.

My little angel rests with you.
Dear Lord, please hold him tight.
Watch over him, love him, protect him,
From me – a kiss good night.

Hold me in your arms, Dear Lord.
My heart is torn in two.
Please help me now, to weather this storm.
My faith still lies in you.

Help me not to understand,
For that, I never will.
Just help me find some peace of mind.
A light in this, God’s will.

Please let me spill my tears with you.
But, help me to stand tall.
Please shine your light and grace on me.
And catch me if I fall.

Hold me in your arms, Dear Lord.
Do not let me go.
Please help me now, to weather this storm.
My son, I’ll never know.

Hold me in your arms, Dear Lord.
My heart is torn clear through.
Please help me now, to weather this storm.
My faith still lies in you.

-Tanielle Childers © August 31, 2012

Shame on the Sad Dreams

Shame on the sadness that haunts me in my dreams-
Of others being pregnant and what’s not meant for me.
Awaking again and again to the harsh reality-
Of the life that will never breathe beside me.

Left feeling empty and tangled in blues-
Over the life, we already envisioned with you.
And the excitement we shared in all we would do.
And now, the courage to push on after losing you.

Shame on the sadness that takes my breath away
And on the dreams that come to haunt me each day.
To remind me again of my broken heart-
In a thousand pieces, scattered apart.

Shame on the phantom baby flutters I feel.
And the excitement it stirs before realizing – it’s not real.
To remind me again and again of the harsh reality-
Of the life that will never breathe beside me.

Left feeling empty and tangled in blues.
Lost in my thoughts of forever missing you.
Now wondering what path in life I must choose.
The end of the dream we built around you.

I once took for granted, the life in my womb.
And I cannot go back. I cannot redo.
Awaking again and again to reminders of you.
Feeling empty and sad and tangled in blues.

Shame on the dreams that haunt me as I sleep.
Of the life that will never breathe beside me.

-Tanielle Childers © August 27, 2012

Our Sweet Baby – Born Sleeping

Our sweet baby,
Dason Albert Childers
Born sleeping on August 10, 2012
(19 weeks gestation)

A HUGE surprise, my number three.
So caught off guard, so meant to be.
Alive and well at 16 weeks.
The beautiful life inside of me.
My most difficult pregnancy, age 36.
Early hypertension, a dirty rotten trick.
Placed on powerful meds – a doctor’s fix.
I worried terribly about the strength of it.
Our sweet baby died around 17 weeks,
But we wouldn’t find out until week 19.
My husband, myself, my mom and both of our kids-
Watching the ultrasound to see what gender our baby is.
The technician’s face changed as she studied the screen.
I watched her intently wondering what it might mean.
The words that came out when she finally spoke-
Made my heart stop. The shock stuck in my throat.
Should your kids step out while I deliver the news?
Was the question she asked us and we were to choose.
Toby asked if it was bad and she said that it was.
Regretfully, I decided she would first tell just us.
So both kids stepped out of the room with my mom-
When the door finally closed came the drop of a bomb.
I can’t find a heartbeat – your baby has died.
Toby and I embraced tight – while both of us cried.
As we hugged and sobbed, I couldn’t seem to breathe-
The beautiful life I carried had died inside of me.
We were led down the hall to a room to grieve.
A nurse held my hand tight as she walked with me.
The midwife stepped in and quietly sat down.
Her face so somber, her eyes a deep, dark brown.
She was searching my face for the words she might say-
The tears flooded my eyes, I couldn’t wipe them away.
She spoke softly and quietly, in the gentlest of ways-
“I’m so sorry this has happened, and it’s not okay.”
The words somehow escaped me, both audible and clear.
What do we do now and where do we go from here?
I could deliver my baby and they would induce me-
Or my only other option, a procedure called a D&E.
For me the answer was instant – it came from my heart.
I would honor the life within me by doing my part.
I’d deliver my baby, go through the pain so I could heal.
I’d be fully present and not so numb that I wouldn’t feel.
It was decided and arranged for the very next day.
And I closed my eyes tightly wishing this would all melt away.
Then suddenly I longed to have my children at my side.
I ached for their presence and to look into their eyes.
I sobbed out the news as they stepped through the door.
Kaia burst into tears and cried, it rocked her to the core.
We held our children tight to comfort them in their grief.
My mom knelt down and together we mourned – in total disbelief.
My dad arrived to be with us as we began to sort things through.
The kids would spend the night with them, in the morning I’d be induced.
A sleepless night with unchartered waters that lie anxiously just ahead.
I began mentally preparing to give birth to our sweet little baby – born dead.
With but a wink of sleep, the next morning came. It had arrived all too soon.
Our nightmare began unfolding as we checked in and were taken to our room.
I remember shivering so hard from the cold and sobbing as I stripped down.
Everything familiar and suddenly dreadful as Toby helped me into my gown.
I climbed into the bed prepared for delivery and settled my nerves as I wept.
Toby was my strength, loving and supporting me; my side he never left.
Induced around 9:30 a.m., the beginning of a long and heartwrenching day.
Around 2 p.m. my labor progressed, our sweet baby was now on the way.
Dason Albert Childers was born sleeping at 4:30 p.m. on Friday, August 10, 2012.
Our beautiful baby boy, now our angel up in heaven and in our hearts forever held.

-Tanielle Childers © August 15, 2012