My Bright Shooting Star

Jafe Image - DO NOT USE
What a Wonderful World

 

This is a poem about miscarriage … I recently miscarried for a second time … on my 41st birthday. The heartbreak doesn’t ever get any easier (for any of us) and every day brings different emotions in the grieving process. So often, miscarriages are suffered in silence. I’m on a mission to break the silence by sharing my heart and journey with those who have also suffered. In honor of every parent who has grieved or are currently grieving the loss of their baby, my heart and prayers go out to you. You are not alone in your pain. May you find peace and healing in your own journey.

Suffering from postpartum depression makes every day a new day. Some days are not as graceful as others, but we are grieving, surviving and mending our hearts each day the very best we can…

My Bright, Shooting Star

July 7th
Twenty-seventeen-
Another special birthday
For my beautiful mom and me.

It also became the day I would miscarry-
Our sweet baby not meant to be.
How uncanny –
Our shared birthday, now x 3.

How heart-wrenching-
And yet somehow beautiful.
How bitter-
And yet somehow sweet.
So very special and somber-
But an overall healing day for me.

My emotions were running high
The pain and heartache
In saying goodbye.
A day meant for celebrations-
But as you began to leave,
the heartbreak made me cry.

Yet in it and through it,
I felt a light in God’s grace.
Your spirit bright and beautiful
And with me-
You were destined for heaven
Instead of this time and place.

How fragile this life –
So beautiful, salty and sweet…
When the sadness overtakes me,
When my heart struggles to find its beat,
God’s grace is there to hold me up
And bring me to my feet.

As the sun began to set,
And the birthday celebrations
Came to an end-
We hugged each other tight,
In gratitude-
For every moment spent.

As we pulled out
And headed for home that night,
You made your presence known-
A bright shooting star
Fell before our eyes.
All was well in heaven
And we knew you’d made it home.

-Tanielle Childers © 2017

 

You Are My Sunshine

Dear Kaia and Korbin,

I LOVE you more than words
Could ever describe …
More than every STAR that dances
In the MAGICAL night sky.

I love you with my whole HEART-
With all that I am and will ever be.
You are my SUNSHINE, my LIGHT
And the greatest part about me.

You are AMAZING, INCREDIBLE-
And perfectly you.
God blessed me with life’s greatest GIFT
When he lovingly graced me with each one of YOU.

-Tanielle Childers © 2016

In Loving Memory of Grandpa Mac

In loving memory of my grandpa, Robert Steven McLaughlin, aka (Stubby to me). He was more like one of my best friends – someone I loved to be around as much as I could. I loved his sarcastic and ornery nature and loved following his lead by dishing it all right back. I adored him and still do – and I miss him dearly! I wanted to honor him and his life by reading the following poem at his funeral.

 

In the early morning hours
On Tuesday, August 18, 2015
With family by his side,
Jesus came to carry him home-
And he took in a breath
For the very last time.

I wish you could know
This incredible man as we do-
The strength of his character, quick-wit
And famous slicked-back hairdo.

This man holds our hearts
As we once held his hand.
We love him so deeply-
He helped shape our whole Clan.

He was once tough as nails-
Unafraid to speak his mind-
More stubborn than most-
A hard-edged, but kind-hearted
Joke-telling, One-of-a-kind.

A feisty and ornery
Tough-loving spirit.
No one knew better than he did-
And he wouldn’t even hear it.

He was our family mechanic
Always there to help fix it.
But, abide by his rules
And give back ALL of his tools-
Or you might never, EVER
Hear the tail end of it.

He was an artist by right-
Though he’d never claim it as true.
He was an amazing wood carver,
Woodworker, metal sculptor, welder,
And hand-made, gift-giving
Family man, too.

He caught rattlesnakes in North Dakota
Brought them home in wire cages-
And kept a jar with just one-
In his garage through the ages.

He used to hand feed the squirrels
A single peanut on his lap.
Then, he started feeding the birds-
And his love for the squirrels-
Became electric after that.

He enjoyed camping with loved ones.
Four-wheeling and day hikes.
Sitting around the campfire
And retiring early each night.

At home it was just known-
That he had his own chair.
It was his and his only-
And best of luck to you-
If you happened to sit there.

His clothes always pressed,
His belly always fed.
And his hair meticulously styled
On top of his head-
Was NOT to be messed with-
At least, that’s what he said.

He loved his toast burnt,
Half and half on his cake,
Peanut butter with breakfast
And loads upon loads of butter
On his baked potatoes and steak.

He loved sipping whiskey and water
With the mixture just right-
Or blackberry Brandy
To unwind for the night.

Thank you from our hearts
For all you have given.
Your love keeps on loving
And our memories will go on living.

We already miss you so dearly,
But thank our Heavenly Father
For the gift of you.
Your fiery spirit lives on
In the heart of this Clan
And through all you’ve instilled
In each one of us, too.

-Tanielle Childers (Tillie) © August 18, 2015

Dear Dason – 3 Years Ago Today

Dear Dason,

Three years ago today-
We learned of your passing.
Our sweet baby-to-be
Gone from this earth,
To life everlasting.

Born to be an angel,
On golden wings, you took flight.
Soaring freely
Through the sky.
Up to the heavens-
Up to the light.

Your life-
A beautiful gift.
One of hope
And of promise.
Your passing-
A humbling reminder
Of all the blessings
Still upon us.

This life-
Is so precious,
So fragile,
So salty-sweet.
Filled with moments
That clench our hearts,
Steal our breath,
Make us weep.
Rendering us helpless-
Unable to speak…

And of moments
Filled with magic,
Pure joy,
Love and light.
Sweet memories,
And reverie
To help carry us
Through each night.

Life is a gift,
I will celebrate today-
In loving memory
Of our Dason-
Born an angel
On this day.

-Tanielle Childers © August 10, 2015

Dear Dason — 2nd Anniversary

Dear Dason,

From the very first moment
I learned of your beautiful
And surprising existence,
I was head-over-heals in love.

I was terrified at the thought
Of how we’d raise three,
But I knew I could do anything
With help from God up above.

Your life was a gift and a blessing to our family.
A miracle we eagerly anticipated.
We built a bright future in all of our hearts.
And lovingly placed you within it.

There are no words for the sorrow we felt-
To learn your heartbeat no longer existed.
The mere shock of it took our breath away.
And we cry each time we relive it.

As your mother, I feel like I failed you-
And my body failed to keep you alive.
My high blood pressure threatened both of us.
And I am forever sorry – for the rest of my life.

I wish that I’d had a single moment in time-
To scoop you up in my arms, to hold you tight.
To snuggle, cuddle and rock you to sleep.
Tuck you in and kiss you good night.

I don’t know why God needed you back so soon.
And I’m not sure that I’ll ever understand.
But, I am forever blessed to have been your mom
Both humbled and grateful for the time we had.

I still run today for the health of my heart.
And I run because of you.
And to live this life as long as I am able,
I run for your sister and brother, too.

I run with you always inside of my heart,
On my mind and with me in spirit.
You are the wings that give flight to my life,
As I move onward, upward and through it.

-Tanielle Childers © August 8, 2014

 

RUN

RUN
To let go
Of the struggles
That weigh you down.

RUN
To breathe new life
Into your weathered
Or broken spirit.

RUN
To free your mind
From the clutter
And chaos that fill it.

RUN
To celebrate your life,
The gift of a new day,
A new dawn,
A new you.

RUN
To reflect on life,
To give thanks to God
For the blessings
That surround you.

RUN
To renew your faith,
Your inner strength,
Your sense of self,
Your belief in you.

RUN
And be prepared
To be broken down-
Only to be built back up
Into so much more.

RUN
Just run today….
Because tomorrow,
You might not get the chance.
Tomorrow may never come.

-Tanielle Childers © July 22, 2014

 

(and if you don’t run – find that ‘thing’ that makes you feel alive – and go and do that.)

 

In Loving Memory of Grandma Mac

This poem was written for my beautiful grandma, Geraldine Mae McLaughlin, who was more like a best friend. I wanted to honor her and her life by reading this poem at her funeral — I still miss her dearly. Whenever I had a new poem or painting to share – I wanted to share them with her!

On Thursday, February 27th
The beautiful morning sun rose
And at 7:30 a.m.
Jesus carried you home.

Six days later at Ash Wednesday Mass
On March 5, 2014
The kids and I sat in the back of the church
Unaware of the emotions the service would bring.

I thought I saw you with your silvery hair
As I quietly knelt down to pray.
Knowing for certain it couldn’t be you,
I did my best to tuck my tears away.

The sorrow swallowed my heart many times.
I felt your spirit tugging at me.
The memories of you kept flooding back.
Your passing is so surreal and hard to believe.

I desperately miss your hugs and your smile
And all of our moments spent together.
But my gratitude for the times we were given,
Truly cannot be measured.

Thank you for a lifetime – of memories filled with you.
For the love you gave and life lessons you taught;
For all of the cookies you made
And the laughter you brought.

For the hamper filled with toys
When we were all young.
For our fond childhood memories
Spent out back playing in the sun.

For four-wheeling, camping,
Hiking and walking,
Roasting marshmallows, star gazing,
Awaking to hot morning coffee.

For your yummy potato salad
And your delicious, fresh-baked pies.
For garage sailing, ARC thrifting
And exciting bargain finds

For game nights, card playing,
Popcorn and Busch Light.
For our talks about life,
And your guidance and insight.

For every holiday and birthday
We celebrated together.
Your life keeps on living
Within our memories forever.

Thank you for your compassion, wisdom,
Support and forgiveness.
Your love keeps on loving,
For your spirit lives within us.

We miss you dearly,
But thank our Heavenly Father for your life.
You truly were the very best
Mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, sister and wife.

-Tanielle Childers (Tilly) © 2014

Dear Dason

(a thank you poem written to honor our unborn son, exactly one year after we lost him)

ONE LOSS
I never envisioned happening.
EARTH SHATTERING WORDS
I never imagined hearing.
THAT DAY
I never saw unfolding.
A NIGHTMARE
I never dreamed of knowing.
ONE MOMENT
Changed our lives forever.
ONE TINY LIFE
Transformed my health for the better.
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME
My broken heart recovered.
ONE YEAR
Battling Postpartum and depression.
With the strength of your spirit,
God’s grace and protection.
IN HONOR OF YOU
I took a series of small steps
In a healthier life direction.
365 DAYS AGO
I began a journey of rediscovering
The true miracle of what it means to be alive.
BECAUSE 365 DAYS AGO
We were forced to say goodbye
To the life I carried inside.
You’ve been the brightest light-
Through all my darkest of times.
Losing you has both tested and strengthened me.
You have completely transformed my life.
It’s been a long, hard road
Since that awful, dreadful day.
But we have found some sort of peace
In your death along our way.
As a family, we grew stronger,
Pulled together, held each other,
Cried together, laughed together,
Spent time with one another.
Spoke openly of life and death
And how nothing lasts forever.
You are and always will be
Our sweet angel gone too soon.
We miss you, son. We always will.
They miss their brother, too.
I cannot express the depth of my gratitude.
I love you Dason, with all my heart
And owe my life to you.

– Tanielle Childers © August 2013

My Angel in the Sky

The sun outside is shining bright.
Not a cloud up in the sky.
And yet this darkness swallows me whole.
My heart chokes on goodbye.

Sorrow wraps around me tight,
Making it hard to breathe.
And though I know this too shall pass,
For now, I’m asked to grieve.

The life I once held close to mine,
Protected in my womb-
Has died and gone to heaven
And was taken much too soon.

Hold on to those you love so dear.
Memorize the moments as they pass by.
Live, love, laugh all you can
And learn from the tears you’re asked to cry.

If nothing ever changed in life,
Butterflies would not be.
And heaven would have no angels
If God never set them free.

The sun outside is shining bright
Not a cloud up in the sky.
My son’s life and death has awakened me.
My heart beats for him this time.

His spirit wraps around me tight.
His death so hard to believe.
And yet the light he shines on me,
Gives me all the strength I need.

I miss him so, my beautiful boy
And honor his life by living mine.
I love him still, I always will.
My heart beats for him this time.

Hold on to those you love so dear.
Memorize the moments as they pass by.
Live, love, laugh all you can
And make the most of this beautiful life.

If nothing ever changed in life,
Butterflies would not be.
And heaven would have no angels,
If God never set them free.

The sun outside is shining bright.
Not a cloud up in the sky.
If nothing ever changed in life,
Our angels wouldn’t fly.

-Tanielle Childers © 2012

Hold Us In Your Arms

Darkness swallowed my morning light.
The storm came crashing down.
Heaven stole my happiness
And left me here to drown.

Naked in its powerful grip-
Its strength too much for me.
A heavy heart, my distant cries.
The light too hard to see.

Hold me in your arms, Dear Lord.
Do not let me go.
Please help me now to weather this storm-
Forgive me if I’m slow.

With all my soul, I honor you son-
The short life you shared with me.
My beautiful boy, you hold my heart.
From this life, God set you free.

My little angel rests with you.
Dear Lord, please hold him tight.
Watch over him, love him, protect him,
From me – a kiss good night.

Hold me in your arms, Dear Lord.
My heart is torn in two.
Please help me now, to weather this storm.
My faith still lies in you.

Help me not to understand,
For that, I never will.
Just help me find some peace of mind.
A light in this, God’s will.

Please let me spill my tears with you.
But, help me to stand tall.
Please shine your light and grace on me.
And catch me if I fall.

Hold me in your arms, Dear Lord.
Do not let me go.
Please help me now, to weather this storm.
My son, I’ll never know.

Hold me in your arms, Dear Lord.
My heart is torn clear through.
Please help me now, to weather this storm.
My faith still lies in you.

-Tanielle Childers © August 31, 2012